Lo que paso paso..
I fell asleep finally around 4 a.m., woke up around 7... I find myself naturally embracing this sleepless schedule even though I tried to go to bed somewhat early (2 a.m). I think Montreal has a bad effect on my personality. I become busy, irritable and I get depressed so easily. Well, rather than saying "I'm getting depressed", I should probably say I am mood swinging like crazy. One moment I'm wayyy hyper, the next moment I end up crying on my own. That's quite weird... I keep overthinking when I am here, and I want to find something to blame, but I couldn't find anything else... I barely came back but I need to get out of Montreal. Quickly. It's definitely poisoning my soul. Maybe I've been here for too long and my traveller's spirit demands that I never stay more than 3 years at the same place? Who knows? For a while I really felt home here, but those days are over. And I really feel they're not coming back anytime soon. I built so many memories here... but so many of them turned into bitter thoughts not wanting to be remembered that I get suffocated. These thoughts suffocate me, I'm looking for oxygen and I cannot find it anywhere in here... Argh, am I becoming some kind of Schizofreniac person, looking for something that doesn't exist?
It's all over soon, right?
NY in Jan.
Home in Feb.
Korea in May.
Then my grandpa is here for June.
And hopefully my prof will be there for the rest of the summer until I leave to Paris (highly hypothetical).
I tried desperately to call my prof last night but no answer.
I keep myself busy but for some reason, I can never get as busy as she is.
As for YOU...
Can't you just disappear?
No, you're right, I intruded, I gotta leave first.
This is your city. It was my mistake to build my life here around you. Now you're everywhere. And no matter how hard I try, I can't make you fully disappear.
Don't flatter yourself, it's nothing else but the inability to shut down an indesirable thought.
I want to forget you once and for all and forget all the guilt and the bitterness of the childish kid I was two years ago. Maybe I just want to forget all my mistakes... And maybe a part of me just wants to forget that you ever existed.
4 Comments:
I'll most likely sound mean and cold, but I hope you understand I'm being sincere here with you.
you're running around like hamster in its wheel because the issue is not "where" you go.
You can escape from a space, but you can't escape from yourself.
Wherever you'll go, there will be a point you'll have to face it. Wherever you'll go, you will be alienated at some point and you will have to deal with it.
You could again go somewhere and start all over again, but the moment you'll enjoy happiness - as you apparently once did here -, it'll hit you again.
Being temporarily away will always help as reality is on standby, but it won't last.
You can't escape - that's all there is.
Facing reality means, to me,creating your "own" reality. It can be translated as "dreams" or "identity"... whatever that is. But a place that can't be destroyed by a third party, a place you could sacrifice (almost?) anything for. And reality is painful (and sleepless). But I guess it's worth it, even while you're still looking.
I'm not criticizing you or anything such. I just have a feeling you haven't asked yourself the most important questions: what do you want in your life? who do you want in your life? how do you want your life to be?
Je suis désolée si je suis blessante ou offensive. J'avais juste l'impression que tu tournais en rond tout le tps, te laissant abattre par des éléments externes (les gens, la vie...) et il semble que tu n'as pas établi qui sont les personnes importantes dans ta vie (de manière stable) et quelle est ta finalité dans tes rêves et projets. Tout le reste n'est qu'accessoire, non? Si tu sais ce que tu cherches, les études, la fatigue, les conneries, les emmerdeurs, la météo, tout ça ne devraient pas tant te toucher...non?
Les personnes qui te sont précieuses te feront mal des fois, mais ce sera moins souvent que ce que tu ressens en ce moment et ce sera de manière significative. Tu seras déçue de tes routes vers ta finalité, ou ta finalité peut changer avec le temps, mais ce ne sera pas avec un sentiment de vide.
Que cherche kuuchan? Seule toi pourra répondre. Chaque chose en son temps, et il semble qu'il est temps pour toi de filter ta vie. Pendant que tu te fais chier avec des gens qui ne pensent pas réellement à toi, quelqu'un qui pense vraiment à toi ne peut pas profiter de ta présence...
Efface le commentaire si ça te dérange, et je n'en reparlerai plus. oki?
^ ouch...
In any cases, I kinda understand you.. I feel I have spent too much time here in Montreal... and I haven't reached university yet. And I felt the same after living for a while in France (although circonstences made it worse too) so as long as you focus on finishing things nicely here and you prepare yourself to move on to another place, that's cool.
As long as you don't leave Montreal with a mark left by these negatives things that are around you right now =)
Akasen,
don't worry. I'm not shocked, nor offended. I know you're right in many ways but I think I am honest when I say I've been looking and I've been trying and I've been questioning a lot (a little too much perhaps). Running is never a good way to do things... But nothing else seems to do. While I am here toxic thoughts invade my mind and I can't think clearly... so maybe leaving is a good solution. Going, to deal with things in a place where I'll be a bit more at peace. It doesn't matter if it comes back to my face, as long as it's not on my face and burdening my back all at once.
I don't exaggerate when I say I am feeling suffocated, not by people but by my thoughts and inner conflicts. They're attacking me on every front. Of course, to say that I have only bitter memories wouldn't be appropriate, and I know I'll still make some awesome memories with awesome people before leaving... But I don't think I can take much more on my shoulders at the moment.
What am I looking for? Most of the time, I feel like I know... The rest of the time I end up thinking it's a lifetime search. There's perhaps no such thing as a stable thing that I've wanted constantly all throughout my life and there will be most likely none for another while. Everytime I want something, I do my best to get it. But right now, I can't say "This is what I want". There's nothing I want specifically for myself.
Filtering. Maybe the hardest part. I usually go by feeling, but I sometimes make mistakes like everyone else. After losing that one person that was so important to me 2 years ago, I ended up somewhat losing also the best friend I've ever had a few months ago. Things are getting better now, but I don't know what I am supposed to do and how I am supposed to deal with things and people. There are a lot of people I've known for a long time that I've grown to care too much about to just "filter" through, but after my few experiences, I realized there's also very few people I am able to point at and say I am confident I can keep by my side and prioritize. Maybe it comes from the fact that I've always been on the move and I have very few long lasting friendships (most people either leave to another country or I just can't keep them around), but noone (in a lifetime) was able to take a spot and just stay there.
In other words, I don't think I can honestly and objectively filter. Even though I am reducing my social circle more and more with time, there's not one group of people I can fully claim as being "my people". And I don't think it's just a matter of a few weeks either, no matter how well one clicks with another. Je vais pas toujours par anciennete mais dans diverses situations, c'est souvent un facteur.
Indeed, maybe what the people surrounding me have the hardest time dealing with is that, I am unable to prioritize anyone... (except maybe the family, but you know how it is...) Perhaps I can't just because I don't want to, you'll say. And you'll be right to say so. As tiring and frustrating as my social life can get, I think trying to filter through would be just as frustrating if not more...
Am I even making sense? I don't know anymore. I know I'm hurting a lot of people in the process of figuring myself out (even going in circles) and I can feel sorry about it. And I won't say I can't do anything about it, but right now, I just can't seem to sort things out.
I'm sorry that I can't be a good kouhai despite your words of wisdom and despite the admiration I carry for you.
But that's the process. Eventually, it'll be better right?
LOL ne t'excuse pas à MOI! Pourquoi "I'm sorry"? En fait si tu veux t'excuser, ça serait plus envers les gens qui veulent profiter de ta présence, qui ne peuvent pas et qui malgré tout pensent beaucoup à toi. ;)
I've said my thoughts and you've explained yourself so I'll leave this conversation at that. However, just one thing...
Quand je parle de filtrer les gens et se trouver une finalité, ce n'est rien de concret. Mais juste la notion de mettre un poids sur certains types de personnes ou certaines implications dans ta vie, certains concepts que tu chéris de manière générale et certains rêves applicables à diverses situations. Des trucs très, très vagues...
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