I'm not gonna complain, I got an A in Japanese. I wanted to get it by my own means, and I sort of did... but there's a slight disappointment that comes out of all this... I scored an A on the final exam... but a low A. Given that according to my calculations, I needed a high A, or a 90 in the exam to get an A overall in the course. Of course, seeing the A on my transcript, I assumed I did awesome on the exam. For the most part I did, (even if I screwed up the summary) but I didn't score 90. I scored 87. Which is fine, really. Not complaining...
But then how did I get an A? I asked. Sensei said she gave one extra point to all the Japanese speech contestants for their overall mark. End of the question, in theory... But then I was looking and looking, calculating over and over and it just didn't add up. Even if she gives me a whole extra point, I get 84. Which is an A minus. So I looked up to her and fearing to show the confusion in my eyes, I asked... "Why did you..."... I just didn't want her to favour me. I just didn't want her to become like that other prof I don't like much, one who gives marks on the face. I was so scared of her answer too. She's just not someone who would do it like that...
Then she said: "I always give an A" to all students who score 84. I mean, it's painful if they miss it by just one point, isn't it?
I am not unhappy that she gave it to me... And of course I am grateful. But what's this strange feeling? I guess I'm just a little bit sad I didn't score it by myself.
Well not the complete end, but still the end of certain cycles.
Cycle 1: Groupe Maltais I worked at Groupe Maltais for about a year. Today was my last shift... the last time I heard my boss' weird love stories, the last time I heard Y complain hilariously about stuck-up rude customers, the last time I saw this office that grew part of my weekly routine. The last time I looked out the window of that model house thinking "if only I could be out..." The last time I received a text from those coworkers whom I grew so fond of, saying "Can you take my shift?" I didn't feel so sad even though I knew it was the end... But when I gave my keys back I thought "Wow, it really is over". And then some strange feeling grew inside. I am almost wishing I didn't quit.... But I had to... so let's just think of it as a happy time in a pretty fun working environment and move on slowly. Sachou, ima made arigatou gozaimashita.
Cycle 2: The end of Japanese class. I spent so much time studying for my final and working on that album for U. Sensei. Now that the exam is over with and that we gave her the album, I feel... somewhat empty? It was a strange year.. I started the year thinking it was gonna be boring, thinking I wasn't gonna get along with U sensei (fearing her) and thinking that those kids in the class were so tight together and having fun that I'll either never integrate the group or I'll get tired and annoyed of them just being so overly cheerful in a class that I took very seriously. I also even had the impression they didn't work hard. But I was so wrong. They're good kids, no they're awesome kids. So far in all my classes at McGill, no class ever came close to them in terms of "awesomeness". Going to class got funner as I got to know them. The enjoyment I missed from so many other classes, the support I missed from some other friends, they gave me back 1000 times fold. All the hardships I went through this year and the last were worth it, to be able to spend one year surrounded by them. Same for U sensei. The more I saw her and talked to her, the more I respected and admired her as a teacher but also as a person. Now it's all over... it's the end of a cycle, one that really added to my "wow, I'm gonna miss Montreal"...
I had a few emotional days, but I think my pride and heart don't deserve so much trouble. Thanks to a few older people who have been taking good care of me and telling me about life, I was about to realize that it actually comes back to this: Why do we stick by people who end up hurting us more than they do any good to us?
I have no more time to waste on those. Maybe that mindset on that other night was the truth coming out, the exhausted, breathless, needs to come out truth. And my reaction to all this, my guilt and pain just came from the fact that I refused to admit it to myself. You always want to believe that the people you chose to surround you are good people and that they'll stick by you and care for you... or even if they don't give you anything back, they'll at least give you the respect you deserve. But not everyone is like that, and not everyone can be one of your people. So is it sad to lose them? No. You don't lose something you never had. Period. If they never tried to so much as respect and trust you and if they haven't even tried to understand you, then they were never "your people" to begin with. And when they use your weaknesses against you and turn you into a low person who can do the same, then there really is nothing left that is worth it.
This time it's true, I am done wasting time on this. There are so many more things and people I should be focusing one, ones that do actually deserve my attention. There, I said it. This wasn't meant to be in the first place. I tried to hold on for a long as I could, but now I am letting you go.You are now part of the 75%. You know, the bunch who isn't worth even acknowledging....
After coming a long way and meeting lots of people and coming back to my senses, I was able to make some things clear with myself and my expectations towards men.... (Thanks to a quite long single-status)
The type of man that I hate the most is the Player, not just the one who cheats consciously/repeatedly on his girlfriend which he claims to "love" but also the idiotic moron that will just attempt a pass at any random girl. Meets them once, then booms decides that they should spend time together, all in the single goal of doing them and throw them away the right next morning. I saw and met too many of those and honestly I am frankly disgusted. I also include in that categories, all those creepos that add random girls on Facebook, MSN, whatever just to get some human affection. How much more desperate can you be?
The other type I hate the most is the "unconditional" one. I give you everything so please stay with me for ever. I can't stand those. Love is like a game and if you get everything you want at a game, what happens? You get bored and you choose one that's more challenging. I cannot stand men who can't say no, who run around for you everywhere, pretend to be busy but then end up waiting for you at a random metro station for hours (don't laugh, I knew one that was like that). In other terms, I cannot stand a man who's not busy and centers their life around their girlfriend, hence me. Find something to do, I don't know, work towards your future, study for god's sake. But don't wait around your phone constantly. Oh yeah, I include that type in this category, the type that texts you every moment even you tell them you're in class and you don't have time. I mean, if the girl returns it to you and she's happy about it, sure go ahead. But I think most of the guys that I have met and included in this category are just unable of such simple reasoning, and honestly, it's scary. Scary for the people they're gonna meet later, I mean.
There, having described what I don't want, the question remains: What is it that I want? I, too, would like to know.
I went in thinking it was gonna be another bad Leo DiCaprio movie, but I was pleasantly surprised. He still does the Leo "cramped" face where it looks like his eyebrows are gonna exchange spots but that one performance was much more interesting than all the other ones I've seen so far. It's kind of a typical story where the main character is stuck in a world that is completely created by his mind. He is convinced that he is a US Marshall investigating this strange asylum- island where "crazy" criminals and such have been sent to have their mind treated, away from the world's judgement. He investigates the disappearance of one of the patients... Nothing works out and after 2 hours of pure delirium, going around in circles with clues that lead to nowhere, it turns out that he is another one of those crazy ex-murderers but he was refusing to admit the truth to himself, creating a second dimensional world around him. Eventually he realizes that he's just trying to escape the truth though. The world he built, the people he created, everything was just so that he could remain happy, safe from that terrible reality. Away from the fact that he killed his wife, who previously had killed their children.... Very cliche, but at the same time... there's a part of real in this.
The part of truth is this one: There are some people who are just absolutely convinced that whatever they do is motivated by righteousness and that they are never to blame for anything that happens in their life nor in the lives of the people surrounding them. That's a great way to live, because no matter how much they use people, deceive people, hurt people, they will never feel like they're to blame in any way. "It's not my fault, this and that happened". "It's not my fault, that person did that". Etc. Etc.
For example (an example I know only too well cuz it relates to my first boyfriend), a man who cheats on his girlfriend for months. He loves her (or so he says) but he cheats on her for various reasons. When she finds out about that fact, she is of course angry and disappointed in him, she feels sad and betrayed. But the man, because he thinks he is right in everything he does, finds nothing else to say than : "You don't understand, this was in our best interest". Well I personally didn't stay with such an irresponsible man, just because I am a bit smarter than this. But let's take another example.. that of a quite stupid girl who's desperately in love with a similar kind of man and thus despite all his hurtful and selfish displays of miserable and spiteful behaviour, she decides to stay with him. But of course, if she has a minimum of a conscience, she'll start getting suspicious and might suspect him of having affairs on the side. This leads to that and they end up breaking up... but the reason of their separation is not that he is an abject moral-free monster. Rather, he blames it on her saying "you couldn't trust me so what kind of love goes without trust?".
Now I don't know if I am the only one to realize the irony here or if this kind of man is just stupid, or just so complacent in the self-image they have made of themselves... but I find absolutely incredible that such beings can be so self-centered, so focused on their own irrational and egoistical attitude that they wouldn't realize the truth and would find a way to blame it on others constantly. And not just blame on others, but also use others for their own benefits. Constantly. And if things don't turn out the way they want, it'll once again be the others' fault. And if they can't receive what they want, it's the others who are selfish. Etc. Etc.
A never-ending cycle of selfishness and a life without responsibility. But I want to believe that there's a balance to all things. And when that balance hits, what will be left of those people?... Good question.
Someone told me that today. Well, it was technically a joke... but it felt good to hear? haha... That person sent me this video. It's a bit cheesy and it has a Country music feel to it, but the song itself is very sweet.
"You're my Sunshine, my only Sunshine... You make me happy when skies are grey... You'll never know dear how much I love you... Please don't take my sunshine away..."
I don't know if I can make you happy everytime the sky is grey like the sunshine... But maybe I can try?...
but I am a bit emotional these days... I get super over happy for a moment, I get depressed the next moment.
I went to a Japanese friend's house for the afternoon. I finished preparing my presentation so I thought I deserved a break. The friend cooked for an amazing Nikujaga for me and as we were preparing and eating we talked about several things. We had some hilarious conversations in the process. For example, she cooked for me and she invited me to her place, which I found very nice... So I should be of course grateful (assuming I am normal)... but then at some point she starts apologizing, saying "You must be hungry, I am so sorry it's not ready yet...hontou gomen". Well, you'll say "She's being polite" and I realize that... but that very sorry face she made at that moment was just such a sight. I couldn't help but laughing at her cute-ness. "You cleaned your place, you bought groceries, you came to get me at the metro, and now you are cooking for me... and you're sorry?!?! I should be sorry for putting you through so much trouble!!!" is what I said... And then it turned into a never-ending game of apologizing and all. In the end, we had a good laugh and decided to drop the over-politness wall. It almost turned into a jokingly opposite dialog. "Yeah, you made me wait, apologize". "Well you didn't have to wait, go home!" followed by a laughter outburst... Good times...
And now I am here, writing on this computer... And I am feeling something very strange... I just can't tell what it is.. but it makes me feel sad. For the first time in weeks, the thought "wow I really want somebody to hold me in their arms right now" popped up in my mind. Doushite darou...
I worked at VSL today as every week-end. Thanks to Easter, there weren't many customers and my work day was summarized by the two words: Japanese Presentation. I think I really must have identity issues, 'cause the Zainichi issue REALLY fascinates me. And not just them, I started reading a bit about the Burakumin and the Ainu in Japan. I find those cases fascinating, especially the Burakumin... Technically they are ethnically the same as the other Japanese but they were disregarded because of their social status/position. So it just shows that the rejection from a person to another doesn't relate only to race, blood and cultural difference but rather from the misconceived perception we get from a person to another. It reminds me of the Tutsi/Hutu controversy (which led to the genocide) in Rwanda... I know I shouldn't get so excited about this, but it's so interesting. I guess recently I have been thinking a lot about these things and I've come to dislike the sentence "This is my culture, so you cannot understand". More than a cultural barrier, I think an individual barrier is more difficult to overcome and that a lot of people tend to blame their personal issues on "the bigger culture". Just 'cause it's simpler for them and more difficult for others to argue. Now I think I understand many things I didn't before... Anyways since I have many more identity-related cases I want to read about, I think it's a safe bet to say this summer will be pleasantly busy.
I took a long nap when I came home. I don't remember the last time I was feeling so exhausted that I couldn't control my body/sleep at all. Like, literally. I came home, I sat on the couch just for a moment (or so I thought) and I woke up 3 hours later, completely confused, with a bunch of text messages I hadn't replied, an empty stomach and a need for caffeine. Needless to say, I didn't get coffee, just cuz I know it would prevent me from ever sleeping the rest of the night... And now, what do I do?... I should continue working on my presentation... Or I should study Kanji... Or I should do all the other assignments I ought to do...But honestly, I really don't feel like it. Maybe I'll go back to sleep, wake up uber early tomorrow and get stuff done then...
What a beautiful weather we had today... And what a good day. Not so productive, but very pleasant in many ways. Spent some time with an old friend in the morning, chilled in the sun with a new friend in the afternoon, saw some friends I hadn't seen for a while at night. I was in a very good mood (and still am)... but as I said goodbye to the last friend I held onto her just for a moment... but when I let go, I suddenly felt something very strange. It was of course not the last time I see her until graduation or leaving Montreal... but then my heart kind of ached just for a short moment? As if I had a flash of how it's gonna feel when I'm gonna say good-bye for real.
And then it hit me, I thought: I wished I had one more year, or maybe just 6 months in Montreal.Who would've thought I'd say this when I came back a year ago? I don't know if it's because that when you realize you are about to lose something, that thing suddenly appears to be more precious... But recently many factors got me thinking, and leaving this comfort I've come to enjoy in Montreal has become kind of scary. I cannot deny that for the last two years all I wanted to do was graduate quickly so that I could go back to Korea. Nothing seemed clearer... but now... it's not so obvious anymore? There are people and things I find difficult to leave behind... unachieved/unfinished business I wished I had more time to get through, mentors I want to learn more from. Not that 6 months/1 year would change anything... and probably it wouldn't... but suddenly I realized I was had "people I want to keep by my side for ever" in my life and letting them go, or simply going away from them, isn't as easy as it should be.
I guess this thought was always in my mind. But for some reason I felt it in a stronger way tonight. Life brings you amazing little moments like this one when you least expect it. I just want to enjoy every moment I get with those people from now. And I want to believe that it doesn't matter how long you've known someone, how often you see them, or how regularly you keep in touch with them... If somewhere, our hearts/minds connect... then when I meet them again, that moment will be just as special as the last time we saw each other.
