I don't know why I am writing on this blog after so many months or if anyone is even still reading it. I re read some of my old entries and I gotta say one thing. Wow. What a pathetic kid, what a self-centered and unstoppable whiner I was. Maybe I still am, deep inside... but in the last year I've learnt to get over things a bit more easily, I learnt to "suck it up" in other words. I learnt to let the world go before my emotions and focused on the more positive aspects of my life. Of course, I still feel many of the things that I felt back then when it comes to human relationships. It would be a lie to deny everything that I said or thought back then. But if anything, I am now able to deal with myself better. I am more confident in myself, in my ability to keep people by my side.. and I am now able to let people go, which is something I wasn't able to do back then. I am able now to say "Oh well, it cannot be helped"... which is something I refused to do back then. I am able to move on, I am able to spend time alone and to enjoy it. There are so many tiring people and things in this world... I think now I am able to move past them. I will never fully be detached... but if anything, I feel I am stronger now than I was. And now I can enjoy people's presence more because I don't need them. I just learnt to like them for who and what they are and not just for what their presence brought into my life. I think I live a much less selfish existence and it's better this way. I like myself more now.
There's always different moments that determine changes in one's life and in one's relationship to someone else. From the moment you meet someone you have a first impression. From the moment they do something that impression changes. And so on and so on. Until there's no place left for interpretation and there's the establishment of something concrete....
I just tend to burn so many steps because I am too intense. I wanna give too much, I wanna receive too much. Well, I've never thought of what I want as being too much but it seems it is. Because from the moment I start waiting for this one thing for which I am willing to give the whole world to in exchange, the people I care about just start walking away. Not all of them, of course, but even few of them is enough to make me requestion my whole existence and the way I've led it.
What is it that I want? Just this basic trust. This trust that when I fall down, you'll be down there catching me at the very last moment. This trust that when you fall down, you'll try to use me as a trampoline. This trust that links us and that reminds us that we are there for each other. That's what I ask now, that's what I'll ask later. That's also what I wanna give you, with everything else you'll ask me on top of that. Because God knows that when I love and care about someone, they could ask me the sky and I'll find the best way to give it to them. I'll let them step on me and on my heart with all their might if they wish to... as long as they come back to me in the end and remind me that this basic trust and care that we share is still intact. Well, that's how I wanna do it... but then... my heart has its limit too. There's so much stepping on one can endure, and I believe a little self respect is in order. Don't you?
No, I've never thought what I was asking for was too much. Until now. You cannot expect anything from anyone. From the moment you do, you only get disappointed, hurt, stepped on over and over. Not because people are evil, just because you were foolish enough to open yourself in such a way. Innocence doesn't have its place in our world. Hurt them before you get hurt, that's all there is.
You're the only one that I literally gave everything to (literally from my heart to my wallet) and that hasn't run away from this side of mine. But for how long?
I need to write this or I won't find sleep over it again.
One needs a disappointment to realize and understand the true meaning and wonders of life when things work out. We need what's bitter to understand the sweet. We need the ugly to see beauty in the world. I needed a broken heart years ago to understand how precious and unique that love was. I needed to hurt someone to realize what I had to do to avoid such a situation again. Every action has a reaction, every person you meet brings something unexpected into one's existence. It has to be meant this way, to make it balanced.
As for you, you probably came to show me what I was doing wrong and the experience of knowing you will help me grow into a better and hopefully a person. It has to be that, otherwise I really don't understand what you came to do into this life of mine. Certainly, you didn't just show up in the hope of hurting me for sheer pleasure. The purpose should have been bigger. If I am wrong, it means that humans are really evil at core, but I don't want to believe it.
I choose to believe there was a purpose behind your actions: I needed a friend like you to realize many things. The most important of these things being that, if I blindly open my arms, keeping my guard down, it's very occasionally a hug, and most of the time a very bitter and painful punch in the stomach that I am gonna get. It's not that I didn't know before, but you have taught me that it is in vain that I desperately try to see people as better than they truly are. "What you see is what you get"? Possibly. I tried to convince myself that you were so much more than what I or other people saw, but in the end it's all that you are and all that you were meant to represent to me.
Thanks for teaching me that this naive character of mine cannot survive in this world and must therefore grow into something stronger. Thanks for showing me that everything that goes up goes down, that everything that has a sweet taste has a bitter counterpart. Thanks for showing me the best and the worst parts of myself, for showing me all those emotions I was keeping within. Thanks for allowing me to appreciate the people by my side so much more.
Some people are meant to impact one's life in some way. And you're one of them in my life. I'll still be thinking of you years from now. And just like now, I'll be as grateful as possible.
Sometimes we pour so much love and efforts into someone. So when we realize they are not willing to either look at you, or give you this little spark of love you need, to feel like it's all worth it.. or sometimes when you realize they have changed, or their feelings for you have changed, it's too much. Sometimes you feel like life is tormenting you, that God is playing cruel games, that timing is just wrong all the time.
Sometimes that one disappointment grows progressively and you don't know. And when you realize that it's impossible to be comfortable with that one person again, then you wonder "what did I do wrong?". That's if you have any sense of responsibility. Sometimes, you'll meet people who have none and who are able to bypass you as easily as if you were strangers. And they'll never know how much love you poured into them. And it's not like you wanted to get the exact same amount of love or efforts, but you were hoping somehow for this one sign of trust, of love... and when you realize you can't get it... well... it's a bit late.
I've tortured myself enough with you. I just want to turn the page now.
Right now I am an unofficial T.A. for the Japanese level 1 at McGill University. I don't do much, I just basically attend the class and when the students work on exercises, I try to help out and explain some grammar. It's not much but it's a good beginning and it's fun! For a while I had an individual student that I was tutoring on the side on top of that, but unfortunately he had to quit the class. I was a bit sad, but he said he still wants to learn Japanese very much so maybe I'll tutor him a little bit before I leave.
Anyways. This Japanese class has seriously brought a lot of fun into my life. I am motivated every morning to wake up more or less early everyday and review Japanese grammar and Kanji. I remember one by one all the little hardships I had to go through to learn Japanese at this level, and how fun it was to realize I understood something... There are times when I feel so satisfied with my Japanese... but when I take this class, I feel like keep studying harder and push myself so that I can help out the students. I think this is somewhat a good preparation for Korea, since when I go in a month, I'll get training to teach English and then I'll be left on my own into a school full of grade schoolers. I am getting really excited about it.
On a different note, Shima sensei the official T.A for the class has asked me to not cheer for Germany at the World Cup cuz he bet 50 bucks that they would win. lol I guess he really believed it when I said that whichever team I cheer for loses. He's a nice guy so maybe I'll cheer for the Netherlands. :P
I love the country where I was born. If I didn't love it, then I wouldn't bother learning the language and I certainly wouldn't go back there for a full year.
But.. GOSH! There's one side that I hate about it. Hate with all my guts. The whole internet-network-spam. Let's say, one person does something wrong in public, the next thing you know that person's picture and voice has been posted on the internet, their address, personal information and everything is disclosed and in the end, they are humiliated, abused by the entire nation on those blogs and they somber into depression and either leave the place they are at or disappear.
I used to think it's somewhat funny when I first heard about it. The first famous victim of the internet slander-spam was probably that girl who had a dog in the metro. The dog shat on the floor, she refused to clean it up. The next day, her picture, her personal info and everything about her was posted under the name of "Dog poo girl". She had to change her address, most likely her job and her name too. At that time, I thought "wow, the nation is so united against improper behaviour they can even ostracize one person all together!"
But then, other cases arose, that of a girl who said publicly men under 180 cms are losers (she got ostracized too) and then more recently when I was in Seoul, the girl who insulted a cleaning lady in a cafeteria...And after more research, not only very shocking events, but also every single time someone does something in public that makes the population somewhat react, then the whole country writes, spams, researches that one person and then ostracizes them...
Looking at that and after deep thoughts... there's really nothing funny about it. Why do people have to suffer, lose jobs and lose their reputation because of a million cybernauts who have absolutely no idea of the consequences of their actions????
One shocking recent example. Korea lost at the World Cup. BIG DEAL. *sarcasm* The whole nation blames the coach, destroys him on the cyber cafes and what not, finds his address, who knows people might have even egged his house and prank call him to tell him he sucks. I don't know how far they went (and I don't want to know) but here is the result.
The poor guys quits his job and says publicly that his family suffered a lot from all this and so that from now he will keep a low profile.
His part of blame apparently started when they lost 4-1 to Argentina. As if Korea could have beaten Argentina (which is only one of the top5 best teams in the world while Korea is where? oh yeah not even in the top 30.)!!!!!! You guys can keep dreaming and imagining your team is the best, but get real and stop blaming him!! You guys are just as stupid as the Montreal Canadiens fans. (I am one of them so I know what I am talking about.)
Being united is great, having national spirit too, awesome. But why should individuals have to suffer so much just for the pleasure of the masses?
Today I am feeling quite ashamed to call myself Korean.