Sunday, August 30, 2009
Mess of thoughts.
I'm just gonna write everything that goes through my mind, since it appears that the fact that I think so much about so many things at once is my curse. Or maybe my "disease" as they say.
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"Lagrima" (Tear) by Tarrega.
I went to Archambault today and bought the music sheet for it. I chose this piece thinking it was the easiest thing to decipher, but actually, there are quite a few twists and tricks to it. Anyways. I like it. It's a nostalgic piece. To think that Tarrega came up with such a beautiful melody...
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No news. Maybe I confessed things in a way that just messed things up. Maybe I should've shut up. But I thought I'd feel better once she knew how I felt. Well I don't feel much better and what I said came out horribly wrong and dramatic... but I guess there's one weight off my back? And at the same time, the terrible thought of losing that person over something so ridiculous as my constant lack of confidence in myself in terms of interpersonal relationships is just painful.
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I try to understand myself but I don't. I'm just so busy that I don't have to think of others and what I feel about them. It's like my head is saturated with everything and I can't seem to focus.
Two years ago, I would've not given a shit about my studies and my work and would've focused on people and people only... I think those days are over. I've become self centered (not in a selfish way, but rather in a way that I realize that focusing on oneself is important too) and much more diligent than I ever used to be. Good changes. Less stress despite the increased amount of work. Happier with this life.
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I think the past is becoming clearer now. I always tell people they ought to stop focusing so much on past and future when they could be living it Carpe Diem all the way... but actually I do dwell a lot on the past. I get obsessive about what happened in a certain situation and how my actions then affected the person I have become now. I realize now that so many things left apparently without an answer actually found its answer in a different context that I hadn't imagined well.
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The Princess Bride is such an awesome movie. Okay, put it back in an 1989 context.. but that movie is a jewel. Subtle, funny... The main actor is just so great too. Cary Elwes.. lol A winner.
And what can we say about that amazing "Inigo Montoya" scene??? lol
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die! (Spanish accent). "
Hilarious. The battle of wits is also quite something... and omg the fire marsh scene? Priceless...
Anyways...
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Why is McGill starting one week earlier than it usually would? That's just so ridiculous. Usually we don't get a reading week in October, but we start one week late to make up for it. However, this year, we still don't get the reading week... and we start early??? Dumb Dumb Dumb administration of McGill. Like, seriously..
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Keumerz @ 11:31 PM<
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Friday, August 28, 2009
My mind is a blank sheet right now.
Or maybe there are just so many things on it that it turns into a chaotic mess that makes it look blank.
Wow. It had to come out someday but what a bad timing, what a bad way to say it, what a strange reaction. I finally told you how I felt, I thought you'd be weirded out, disgusted maybe... but you just didn't say anything for a while... and then it came out to this.
"Maybe you feel this way because we are away from each other. It might be the nostalgy... if so, it'll go away with time. If not... then I don't know what it is... It seems complicated."
I made you confused at a time when you didn't need any more confusion...
And I made you feel sorry again. I know you care about me, I just can't seem to show you how happy I am about this, it always comes back to me feeling sorry about myself for not being able to keep you out of my head. What should've come out as a simple and nice "thank you" finally came out as a terrible description of the pain I am going through at the thought of losing you.
I wanted to give you so much more and show you that despite an age, culture, education difference, there was so much that connects us. I wanted to be there for you the way I felt you were there for me... I always wish I can do that and I always fail to do so...
Maybe there's more of a mess in my head than I thought...
Keumerz @ 7:24 PM<
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Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Noone ever confused me the way you did.
It's funny that I would be confused about you, actually. Not family, not a lover, haven't known or seen each other so much... haven't seen each other in more than 6 months. Yet, I can't take you off my mind. I am worried in a way I shouldn't be. Your presence somehow helped me straighten so many things about my personality, helped me stabilize my life, helped me strive harder in everything I do. I am only thankful for everything you've done for me. You've shown me a part of myself I didn't think could come out. You've also shown me that trusting someone is a difficult process that I shouldn't rush and that people who are meant to be by my side will be and won't leave it so easily. An obvious fact to some, but you really enlightened me in that way. I've had many bad experiences with people and expectations and I thought somehow I'd never stand up again and be able to face more, but you gave me energy to try, on top of giving me the chance to be part of your life... When I doubt, I only need to remember you're somewhere out there. The weekly message I get from you is my source of strength these days. These are only but a few things that come up to my mind when I think about you. You just gave me so much.
And even though you did so much, I can never give you back half of these things the way I wished I could. Blame it on the age difference or the distance. I know clearly that I can't, but I know that you know that... and I know you'll understand me no matter what happens. You've shown me my limitations and you've shown me not to be ashamed of them. If there's indeed a god in the skies looking over us, I wanna thank him for pointing me out to you. That peace I feel within my heart, that peace I'd been seeking for so long before, it's in great part thanks to you.
Keumerz @ 10:18 AM<
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Monday, August 24, 2009
꿈 꾸며 살 것인가? 꿈 이루며 살 것인가?
"Live while dreaming? or live while reaching for your dreams?"
You make it sound as if you don't know the answer, but deep inside you know it's better to reach for your dreams and have no regrets later, don't you?
Maybe it wasn't my place to tell you. But I've always wanted to believe that our life should be our dream. Always wanted to believe in Carpe Diem even if I couldn't always follow it.
It's not use dreaming of so many things. You gotta earn the right to live through them.
I hate the words "what if".
So many things I want to tell you.
But I'm facing difficulties of language and emotions right now that I never thought could reach such a point. So many things I should tell you... but it won't come out.
Keumerz @ 12:25 AM<
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Sunday, August 23, 2009
Relief that the kid didn't come. One stress source less. It's kinda cruel to look at things this way... but yeah... I don't want to do that stuff anymore. Make things look good when actually I don't think they're so good. I can try as much as I want to make things okay, I think that once such strong feelings are gone, it's hard to ever make them come back. It's like going from something normal to intense love, to intense disappointment, to pure hatred, to nothingness... and now trying to go back to something normal? It's become so awkward. But it's better to be honest about the awkwardness from the beginning... so I did say it was weird, that I wanted time between now and the next time we talk. Maybe it'll take years to make a conversation seem normal. Maybe we'll never have a normal conversation. I mean, how was I feeling one year ago? I was feeling so bitter and angry that I thought I'd break that kid if she were to show up in front of me. One year later, it's just in a state of... somewhat sadness? But I'm not specifically sad at the fact that she and I don't talk /don't mean much to each other anymore, I'm more sad at the fact that my heart could forget that so easily... Like... a very short not so important dream... I'm really questioning the heart and its ever changing condition...
Oh well. What's the point now eh? Let's look back at all this as a bunch of good memories.
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I've started seeing the small gestures that people do for me... and I'm learning to appreciate them for real. Or maybe I'm starting to realize big gestures are not always the most significant ones?
It's funny how a text message, a comment on a blog, or anything like that can mean so much...
Keumerz @ 12:02 AM<
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Sunday, August 16, 2009
I am so freaking busy this month it's not even funny....
I'm really freaking myself out with my own irritability.
Keumerz @ 8:57 AM<
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Friday, August 14, 2009
It's the first time she opened up to me saying clearly "I'm not okay. This and that is happening". I feel of course somewhat happy that she did. I feel like she trusts me. It makes me feel special, since I know she doesn't open up easily. I know she usually keeps it all in and brushes everything and everyone away with her smile and wits. This time she didn't. She said things were difficult for her. She said she wanted to run away. She even called me her energy and thanked me for creating some happiness in such a difficult time. Of course, I'm happy to be there and I'd give my life to make things better for her. But at the same time, I feel somewhat frustrated with myself. This time is different from all other times... I've been depending on her so much. She's so far away. So much older than me. All my good intentions are somewhat turned to dust since I know I am unable to do anything for her.
I'm just this kid who wished I could fly.
I just want to take that pain away from her.
Keumerz @ 8:36 AM<
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Monday, August 10, 2009
It's funny how a little disappointment into someone can turn your feelings off...
Well, not totally, but partially... and enough to make you wonder if what you ever saw in them was worth it all?... Hmm. I'm sure I caused such disappointments in other people as well... but it's never a good feeling. Whether you're the disappointed or the disappointing one.
Anyways, in some other cases, disappointments can lead to a later catch up which proves to turn out better and develops a much stronger bond... I can think of a few clear examples in my head... Is this time's disappointment gonna lead to something stronger or is it going to just disintegrate what I thought we had? Well, if it wasn't meant to be, it just wasn't. But I kinda wished it was.
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Anyways. "Tutto e follia nel mondo cio che non e piacer"... (Everything in this world is nonsense, except for pleasure.) as Netrebko says in La Traviata (Verdi). Man, I just wanna enjoy and stop thinking about things...
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That kid is coming back this week... I don't know if I want to see her or not. If I don't, then maybe I'll start questioning my values of friendship and what I ever saw in her that was special...
But maybe if I do, I'll get ticked off again and I'll regret it... I don't know what I think of her anymore. It's like a big blank in my head. Sometimes I really value the time together, sometimes I just get annoyed thinking about it... I used to think she was the greatest kid in the world, now I wonder what I ever liked... Come to think of it, maybe some things are better left untouched. Maybe the closure is already done and I just haven't realized it yet.
Yeah, maybe it's better not to reopen anything that was closed a while ago. With style.
Keumerz @ 9:12 PM<
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Thursday, August 6, 2009
Words would just not come out of my mouth. Even though she needed me to say them.
"I'm here, it's gonna be okay." I couldn't utter them.
Actually I hate these words more than anything. Obviously it's gonna be okay and the fact that I'm here or not won't change a thing. I can't tell you anything reassuring, I can't tell you when the pain is gonna stop, so all I can say is that it's gonna be okay. What a no-brainer. I hate this sentence. Such a useless one. Silence is better. If I could've just held her in silence, it would have been a thousand times more appeasing... But she's so far away all I could do was listen to her and her pain. Can't hold her, can't wipe her tears. All I could do was listen to her pain, in silence... just because I couldn't bring me to say that sentence which I find so stupid and useless but which might have appeased her, were it only for a moment.
Her pain is not mine to erase, her suffering is not mine to appease, yet I can't help thinking it's part of my responsibilities. Because the day I saw her heart, which was so beautiful, I promised myself I'd never do anything that could hurt it... I promised I'd do anything to preserve it from getting harmed... But I'm here, far away, and there's nothing I can do for her. Sit in silence. Can't even watch, just have to listen to muted tears. Oh how I wished I could say things articulately like my father with half his wit and wisdom. No matter how hard I tried to change that personality of mine, there's this shy and powerless kid who sleeps within me... I hate that.
I'm sorry I couldn't say anything to you. I'm sorry I'm so weak.
Keumerz @ 1:52 AM<
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Sunday, August 2, 2009
Back in Montreal...
The weather sucks. I'm working at 11 and gotta leave my place soon. My place is a mess.
Gotta attend a reunion tonight with the people I used to hang out with at Champlain.
The busy life started again. Can I control it, this time?
Keumerz @ 8:28 AM<
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