I never thought I'd say that... but things are not as cool as I expected. I've been thinking of Korea for two years, every single day... and no matter how hard things would get, in the end it was my one goal: to go back, charge my batteries and then face whatever I need to face. For me, Korea was another "home" but a home that I built on my own, with a family that I chose... The first time I went to Korea by myself it was magical. I was really happy to have found a place where I could belong. Well, not belong in the sense of fully belong and become a full Korean, but I still thought I had found my place in the world... Found this special little oasis I would always go back to when things get tough.
But now.. I am not so sure. Everything feels different. I changed, they changed, the feeling changed. Maybe that Oasis was just the result of one moment, that one timing. The people I know are still amazing and I love them oh so very much... but I don't know what it is. It's a very confusing feeling. Maybe when I come back in August, things will be different. Who knows. Maybe I'm just rushed cuz there are only three weeks and I am trying to see many people... I wished I knew what the answer is. Right now, I just feel like I am lost.
One day and a half before the departure to Korea. This time is only three weeks, by the way. Some people thought that it was for good this time, but believe me, if I was leaving for good, I would've made more time to see each and everyone of you to say goodbye properly.
I have been thinking about going to Korea every single day for a year and a half... basically since the moment when I set foot back on Canadian land, that one thought was the only thing that I could use as a support for my emotional unstability and as a drive to compensate for my lack of academic competence. Sounds dramatic, as usual but it's so true. "I must become a better person and I must study harder, so that when I go back, I won't have anything to be ashamed of". This kind of thought often popped in my mind.
So every single day, I thought of it... and every single day, I had multiple thoughts of many people, too many for a normal person to remain sane, to be honest... (Not that I am not normal, but I definitely think that my way to think/number of "thoughts about the others" is at a much higher level than most people...)
And now finally here it is. In two days, I am heading off. But for the first time, I am feeling somewhat... reluctant. I am nervous. I am scared. And I don't know why... But I know that when the plane lands at Incheon Airport, all those fears and nervousness will disappear. I am going home, finally.
I don't want to jinx it, but I am DONE!!! Hopefully, that was the last exam of my McGill life. I was slightly bummed after taking it. I won't lie, it wasn't the best exam I ever took, but I really am hoping to pass... Then I went for coffee with my Japanese teacher, who seriously is the coolest person ever... I love her. Hearing about her stories and experiences and all really motivates me. I wanna keep trying hard at everything I do, and who knows give myself a chance of becoming someone like her? There are many role models in my life right now, and I really am grateful I could come across such people. On days like this, i feel more and more thankful. On days like this (and if only I could get a decent grade on my Econ class), it feels like there's nothing I can't do.
Then I got everything ready for my application to go to the TaLK program. Tomorrow I am going to the consulate to hand in everything.. And Thursday I am gonna take an interview. Next week's monday I'll be in Korea for a three week trip... and then if everything goes my way, then I'll go back in Korea in August to teach English! :D:D I wasn't sure whether I'd like it or not, but today, preparing a lesson plan was so exciting... I think I really am gonna enjoy the experience... ^^
By the way... The weather is really weird. It started as something similar to the rainy season. When I left this morning it was raining and it was REALLY humid. Then after my exam was done it was humid and sunny.. Then it got windy and not humid.. and now that it's night it's hot again... Weird.....
It's gonna be done in two days. In two days, I am hopefully done for good.. meaning I don't know if I'll pass that exam or not, but I really want to believe I will. I suck at econ, but who knows if a miracle won't allow me to pass it with flying colors. Then I can focus on my departure to Korea. In 9 days I will be in Seoul. That's all I should be focusing about. Pass this exam, and your journey to Korea will be a much happier one, KY. In 9 days you get to see JHS. Nothing else matters at this point, right?
Another great thing. Sensei accepted to evaluate my Kanji weekly. I think that's the only way for me to be motivated to keep studying it. I never thought she'd say yes. But I'm happy. This summer won't be spent uselessly. This summer, I'll be productive.
