I Believe

I'm done.

I thought when I'd say that sentence I'd be completely relieved and almost crying tears of joy. But instead I am feeling kind of bitter. I spent the last two weeks and more catching up on econ, studying my ass off like I probably never had before. I even paid some dude for his notes, I even found myself a study buddy to explain all those principles that I didn't get. And in the end... I made a mistake in the time of my exam so I couldn't even take it. It was kind of a funny situation for anyone watching.

Vigilator: Sit down there, take out what you need from your bag and turn off your cellphone.
Me: Okay. (Takes out pencils, calculator, eraser).
Vigilator: Calculator?!?!
Me: Won't I need it?
Vigilator: For a Poli Sci exam?
Me: ?!?! Excuse me????
Vigilator: Rooms were changed.
Me: I know, that's why I'm here. Isn't it the Econ313 exam???
Vigilator: It was this morning, 9 AM. I'm sorry.
Me:............................................................................

So I knew they changed the room, I just didn't know they had changed the time frame too. Good Job KY, you can get an award for having stupid experiences with final exams.
Since I was pretty upset, I went to see S unni and EY unni. I feel bad cuz they had to stand my bad mood for the whole afternoon... and on top of that my dad called me, which made me burst into tears. The thing people don't seem to understand from the reaction I got from some yesterday, is that I care about my Dad so much and even though I always try to be a good daughter, I feel like I'm always letting him down. I guess that disappointed tone in his voice when he said "So you studied and did all that for... basically nothing. Why didn't you double check?" made me feel even more stupid than I already felt.
Anyways it's done and over with. Let's think of something more pleasant than the exam.

Yesterday was EJ unni's birthday party. I guess I was so nervous about looking like I'm in a good mood, I totally overdid it by overdrinking. I met that really cool Mexican guy who totally didn't seem to mind my lousy Spanish. I saw some old friends, new friends I hadn't seen in a while, I had disgusting Thai food, I got a very nice Christmas gift from A and a card that totally made my day. (Like honestly. That totally counter balanced my terrible exam problem. Thx)
Overall a nice evening. Which was followed by intense drinking with JG oppa and some of his friends at his place. I never felt so much like guy before. Except for F, they were all guys, and they had those random topics about women and sex and all that. And I'm totally open minded to talk about those kind of things, but they were being a liiiittle bit ridiculous by arguing which one of them looked the most like a virgin?...... And they're like "Oh nuna, what do you think? who looks the purest to your eyes, me or him?". Awkwardness. Anyways, it was a fun night... Though I wished JG oppa had cooked something for us. He used to, back 2 or 3 years ago.

Keumerz @ 11:27 AM< [[ 1 comments ]]

Monday, December 14, 2009

Final Exam

Tomorrow is the final for ECON313.
For some reason I feel somewhat confident, but at the same time I am terrified. This is the last course I need to complete my degree. If I pass it, even with a low grade, I get to graduate, my GPA won't drop and I feel like I can get into my institute in France with no problem whatsoever.
If I fail it, my GPA will be crap. I'll have to take the damn course again to graduate. And nothing is more uncertain for France. Doesn't leave much room for thinking right? I have to pass it. I know I can do it. I have to believe I can do it.

Things are going well with most people and with most things in my life right now. Though I get criticized for being too blunt, for having no tact and being sometimes too rational/sometimes too emotional, I don't really mind so much anymore... And I realize that the people who can see through these different facettes of my personality and still want to stick around are the ones that are worth keeping around me. I don't need the whole world. I just need my own world with people that I can rely on and that are willing to rely on me. And honestly... If I skim through well, I think I am left with a good bunch of people who are worth giving the world for. That's one thing I should be thankful for.

Holidays are coming. I can't wait.
I think I'm gonna follow my senpai's advice and buy that game.

Keumerz @ 12:37 PM< [[ 2 comments ]]

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I should've been a journalist.

Why? Because I like writing everything I think, sometimes objectively, sometimes out of passion and get a reaction out of it. Damn right, you read it: I'm enjoying it. I don't do this to offend people and I don't do this to make myself feel better about my life. I like to vent and write on this blog and on facebook and I don't see what's wrong with that. If people care about privacy/respect of opinion and not saying things not to hurt their feelings and all that stuff, then don't suscribe to these and leave the people who make full use of those means of communication enjoy it. Once it's on the internet, it belongs to everyone. You don't want people to see what you write on your walls, then send private messages. You don't want people to comment on your pics, then set them as "private". You don't wanna see what I write on my status, then don't log onto the freggin application. Just suck it up. It's fine as long as you do it, but others can't? That's called goddamn hypocrisy.
What else? Seriously...
I think I care enough to not write specific names when I write entries and to keep as many things as anonymous as possible. Don't ask me to on top of that censor my opinion, that's way over what I can do for you.

Keumerz @ 6:08 PM< [[ 5 comments ]]

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Today I went with le bf to Fous Desserts for the Buche-tasting day... which was a real pleasure for my taste buds. However, I started to taste the Buches in the wrong order. I started with one that totally stunned me to the point of nearly discarding all the followings. Oh my god... So good. That subtle mix of chocolate and berries that just melted in my mouth second by second..... I can't wait for that Buche to be at dinner table.
Other nice point of the day, I met T there who was hanging out with some of her friends. She introduced me to that half-Singaporian-half-Quebecois girl who is really into opera and we got to talk loads about that. I finally found myself a buddy to discuss these things which make me look totally weird to half of my friends! lol She was a pianist/violinist but actually wants to become an opera singer, she said. She loves the stage, got great musicality (according to her Mom, who was also present). I hope I get to hear her sing/ play violin someday. I'm actually really looking forward to watching opera with her too!

Negative point of the day, and be prepared for immense bashing of a terrible choir: Handel's Messiah (or maybe in this case, it should be called, Handel's desperate cry for the end of the world) sang by the Korean church choir. I love Koreans, I do. And I always argued that Koreans have awesome voices and I have number of my friends who have such nice voices that they could become popular singers if they tried, like honestly.... But to undertake such a difficult and classical piece as Handel's Messiah is NOT for amateurs. I grew up listening to that piece at home so for me, to hear the massacre of such a work of musical art was absolutely dreadful and unbearable. I'll give 10 pts for the efforts, because it takes a LOT of guts to try something so hard. However, I would advise that choir not to ever try it again, unless they want Handel himself to turn around in his tomb and come back from the deads regretting to ever have written that piece.
Sopranos were especially horrible, followed by basses. When they had to reach higher notes, they just basically screamed. Hello? This is not Karaoke, you're on a stage with an audience who paid to hear singing, not screaming. The soloists were somewhat decent, since they're supposed to be professionals... but the Tenor sounded like the mix of a goat and a eunuch trying to compensate for his lack of manliness and musicality by adding notes where there were none originally.... meaning he sometimes started at the wrong place, which must have been very embarrassing for a "professional". They say he took major roles before as Alfredo in la Traviata or as Ottavio in Don Giovanni, but he has NO vocal power, NO musicality, NO expression, nothing attractive. He sounded basically like the poorer version of Bhota. (Wow, that's saying how bad he was...) What else. The freggin violins. Some of them were fine, of course. But there was definitely one violonist, if not two, that were OFF KEY like BIG TIME. Everytime I heard the cringing of the strings, I felt like my head was gonna explode. I could've murdered someone.
Oh you think I'm done? No, got some more! The conductor was stiff... The Hallelujah, which is THE most famous Christmas piece of all time, was a utter DISASTER. Even people who didn't know the piece, or even music, should have been able to tell the unmentionable HORROR that they turned this piece into. For the first time in my life, I wished I had been deaf. At that point, even the sound of a harpsicord sounded pleasant to my ear, and God knows I'm not so fond of harpsicords.......................

Now for the good things. I saw H unni whom I hadn't seen for so long. The bass soloist had a beautiful voice tone and he was quite good. He was the only singer that I could totally point at and say "wow, what a voice". Other than that, the drummer was awesome, but he didn't look at the conductor once, except for the final note. The choir had a lot of energy, even though it was badly controlled... They tried real hard, so we should really mention their efforts.... Another good thing about this concert is that I laughed a lot and S unni was also very entertained at the witnessing of such poor musical performance. No honestly, a clown on a stage would have been just as funny, but at least we did have a good time.... It reminded me that even if I fail my studies, I couldn't stoop as low as that choir. Basically, the very good effect of this lousy concert, was to make me feel better about myself....

In other words. I saw the LIGHT.............................................
Tomorrow will be a better day.

Keumerz @ 11:33 PM< [[ 5 comments ]]

Friday, December 11, 2009

All-Nighters.

Way to exhaust yourself. I just spent two nights in a row without sleeping (except for occasional naps here and there, which in total was about 2 hours.. out of 48, I think it's quite something!).
The funny thing is, except for my body which was nearly not responding anymore, my mind was still quite awake... maybe thanks to/because of the cold. I probably could've stayed awake for a couple more hours, but my reason was telling me to go crash home. Which I did. I slept from 8 a.m to 3 p.m, which totals 7 hours, which is almost the double of what I get on a regular basis.... The funny thing is, after all that sleep, I felt so exhausted (like, really exhausted!) that I couldn't bring myself to study again. My sleep pattern is probably all messed up now... Meh. It's now 6pm. At 7pm, I promise I'll start studying again, and studying efficiently.

Today was also S' exam. I wonder how she did, considering that she slept almost as little as I did. Maybe even worse? since she joined me at the library around 4 a.m. and stayed there even after I left around 7:30. No news, good news? Or maybe she totally crashed down after her exam and decided to sleep, which totally makes sense.

I used to be able to pull (seriously) 4 all nighters in a row in my early years at McGill. With a nap of an hour in between, of course. And I was pretty efficient. Nowadays, I can't even pull 2 of them properly... I guess I am getting old eh. Wonder what it's gonna be like when I'm 25. The more I think about the age, the more I realize that... I'm not so old after all. I mean, I was a year ahead of the others when I was in High school cuz I had skipped a grade when I was a kid... Then I lost a year in finishing my cegep + going to spain... Then I lost one more year changing programs at McGill and going to Korea... So I always felt somewhat guilty for "losing years". But thinking about it now, being 22 and graduating university at that age (just before my 23rd birthday) is really nothing to be ashamed of. If I get into that French institute and do my Master's for 2 years, I'll finish at age 24-25. I'll even be able to spare one more year going to Japan to learn Japanese or something... And then, starting to work at 26, if things go well? Nothing to be embarrassed about, really. No, the more I think about it, the more I realize there are people so much worse off than me in terms of age... I have friends who got out of the system and then started their bachelor's at 27 when I was starting mine at 19... and they will be done after me. So what's the whole big deal about "finishing your studies early" and "working while you are young"... I think on the contrary, I'm glad I could enjoy my late teen years and early 20's... Even if sometimes I am desperate to be done with University. Haha.

Hmm. I am starting to ramble again. Let's go back to work.

Keumerz @ 6:08 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Reverse Situation

I kinda feel dumb for having been so angry when she was trying so hard to make it up to me.
Now that I think about it, I was in the exact same reverse situation two years ago with N. She was furious and I was trying so hard to explain and to be forgiven. I felt I wanted to end the conflict right away when she wanted time on her own to "think things through". She'd get even more angry and say that I kept making excuses and that an apology that's not heartfelt is not an apology... I really was trying hard then and had wished she'd understand the efforts I was making for her. Yesterday I did the same thing to S, except this time, I was the one in the position of the not so bending one, who couldn't take such apologies that included so many excuses. Maybe I just wasn't seeing how hard she was trying and how desperately she wanted me to understand how much she cared for me. My mistake. I'm sorry. I'll try not to do that again.

Other than that. Happy times with my Senpai! We went to Sumo-Ramen, which was quite amazing. Real ramen. I think I've been craving those ever since I was in Tokyo last year with Kazuha and we had a gigantic bowl of Shoyu Ramen. In Korea, even though they have some of the most amazing foods that you could ever imagine, they unfortunately DON'T have decent Ramen, worthy of the name "Ramen". Well not that I looked all over Korea, but wherever I went, it just didn't taste like real ones. Anyways, I stuffed myself today and I'm glad I got to go there. I'm planning to make this a habit. ^^
Then, got to do some shopping for earphones... I lost mine again. T.T I think most likely, they were in the pockets of a pair of jeans and went through the wash. Very plausible. Another possible option is that I left them at a computer at McGill (happened countless times)... or it could be just that I put them in a pocket and it fell off somewhere in Montreal. I think Earphones companies make so much money thanks to people like me. But oh well, we dropped by the Bay for Senpai and then went by Fossil. I got hooked onto one of the watches. Yeah, I never seem to learn my lesson eh. I just love watches so badly... I would've bought it on the spot, but figured I should spend on Christmas gifts first and then spend on myself. So I wisely held back and came to the library... where instead of studying, I am blogging. Hmm. Time to start again.

Ready, set.. GO!

Keumerz @ 11:25 AM< [[ 3 comments ]]

First day of snow...

Well it snowed on monday too but today was the first day of REAL snow. Big, heavy snowflakes, roads covered and intense shoveling throughout the day. Hmm, to be honest, I didn't shovel, my neighbour did. Meh, I don't even own a shovel, so I'll let him do it. He seems to be enjoying it anyways. (Wow, I'm such a terrible neighbour...

I spent the day studying Econ intensely. I also found someone in my class who prepared a study pack for the decent sum of 25$. Hey, when you're econ-stupid like me, you gotta find all the help you can get. 25$ is a small price to pay for passing a course that haunts you and that might hold back your graduation. Anyways, meeting the guy tomorrow. Let's just hope he is as good as he claims.

I am kind of tired though I was only able to finish 2 chapters today. I think that the person who wrote the econ book must have been so bored while writing it... OR he was insanely in love with the material, so much that he didn't realize how boring it would be for others to read... I'm trying to convince myself that I love econ, but it's difficult to do so when the material could be a perfectly natural remedy for insomnia.

I am so looking forward to tomorrow! I need a boost of energy and it just feels like tomorrow will be a good day.

Keumerz @ 12:12 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Ruined Apology

S: I'll call you.
(6 hours later, still no call)

K: (calls back. no answer). text: where are you?
S: Sorry I was sleeping. Are you at the library?
K: No, since I wasn't sure what's going on, I waited home.
S: Yeah I'm pretty sick. I really have to get stuff done now.
K: Yeah? Should I go or not?
S: Ah, I'm worried I'll pass my germs.
K: So I shouldn't, then?
S: I really have to concentrate and get stuff done so I'll be home. You decide.
K: I got ready so I'd go, but if it's gonna cause you discomfort, I won't. So why not tell me clearly what you want?
S: Would you be angry if I told you not to? I'd rather study with you when I'm less stressed and stuff..
K: That's what I thought you meant. Just say it from the beginning and we can avoid a lot of text and useless travelling around, you know.

Honestly, I love that kid. But no matter who does it to me, I can't stand this never ending game of playing with words and reading between the lines. You want something, just freggin say it for God's sake. You don't want it? Then just say it too. It's not like we are strangers and you have to be careful of my position or whatever. Goddammit. Don't play those mind games with me, I have NO patience for that.

The other thing I have no patience for is the general tendency for people to ruin apologies with excuses. Wow, it's like the most annoying thing in the world.

"I'm sorry."
Such a simple sentence, so good really. Tell me that, and even though I don't forgive you right away, I eventually will calm down.
Why ruin such simple and effective words by adding up excuses and excuses.

"I'm sorry........... And I know you must be so angry but I wished you'd understand because you know I had to finish stuff because I had been sick becausee I hadn't slept well last night and today I was working and on top of that I had to meet my boyfriend because blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And I was doing that out of concern for you because blah blah blag blah..... and I know you must feel ditched but blah blah blah blah blah blah"

And that's the short version, you have to add an extra 10 lines to get the jist of the what a ruined apology is. I know your excuses, so why don't you just shut up and let me vent my anger huh?
It's not so much the fact that I got ditched that pisses me off the most, it's the freggin annoying way I was ditched in and then asked to be "understanding" when I waited and wasted half my day wondering what the hell is going on when one phone call could've settled it all. "I'm sorry, KY, today won't do it". Simple, makes me understand very clearly. I would've understood better than the lack of communication for 6 hours and the followed "read between the lines texts" followed by the lame excuses and the demand for an understanding?

I'll be over this by Saturday. Until then, I don't want to hear a thing from you. Deal with your stuff first and don't expect me to keep running in circles for you.

Keumerz @ 11:22 AM< [[ 1 comments ]]

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Seems like my cough is back? Maybe I should've slept earlier yesterday... but the late night hanging out was definitely worth it. Re-saw friends I hadn't seen in a while, reconnected with some... There's also that guy whom I didn't like very much before but who seems actually much more interesting than I thought. Second chances are always worth a shot. Now that I think this way, I wonder where my negative feelings towards him ever came from? Sometimes things just don't make sense and putting energy into disliking someone becomes so pointless that you forget the reason why you disliked them in the first place. Meh, that's a mistake which I will try not to make again. Believe only your own perception and not that of others. Judge people according to your own feelings. Point is, second chances are worth it.

I re-read some old emails. Sometimes you love someone so much that nothing in the world seems to matter and your feelings for that person seems just so strong that you are convinced it can never change. Then if you get stepped on, thrown away and taken back and then stepped on all over again, you think you can take it. And you hold on and on and on... but eventually there's either 1) nothing left of you, or 2) you start hurting so much that it explodes and everything that was around during that explosion just disintegrates.
Feelings are so fragile, if you think about it. I wanted to protect that kid so much and I was ready to give my all to it... but in the end, I forgot that before protecting that kid, I should've protected myself first... Maybe that game of deception and manipulation was the way that kid wanted to show me their "affection" by ever keeping me by their side, but in the end I was just manipulated, used and stepped on until there was nothing left to that pure heart but a bitter sense of rejection and humiliation. Now that I think about it, no matter how much I just want to move on and become a better person, that bad experience always comes back to my mind and turns me into a doubtful and scared being of pathetic misery.

Wow, how over dramatic. Why and how did that one person gain so much power over me that I let their memory even hurt me now? The world is kind of a scary place. No matter how many amazing people I meet and no matter how happy I get, this thought always remains in the back of my head, keeping me from fully being myself again. The defense mechanism builds up on its own... I just want to get through this once and for all. Please disappear. Let your memory be nothing but a memory.

Keumerz @ 3:33 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Monday, December 7, 2009

Back on Track

as they say. After a week of depression, a week-end of sickness (and yesterday being especially bad, I had to stay in bed all day, sniff sniff)... I feel now ready to get back on track for good. Well, there are million things I can't understand still about human relationships and there are definitely days when I'll tell the rest of the world to just stay away from me, but I also think there are some really good moments that make it all worthwhile.

No, I never quite learn my lesson, and yes, it is always back down to those few good moments. I can complain all I want and I will probably keep complaining forever, just because I feel only a few people have the same vision of the world/ human interaction as I do... But anyways. One moment of joy is, I believe, worth a 100 moments of anger/frustration/sadness.

Just a few examples?
1) A thoughtful senpai who msn-ed me in the middle of the night and made me watch this HILARIOUS video. It made me laugh again this very morning and will probably make me laugh tomorrow as well.

2) A 40 minute phone call from my beloved prof in Korea as she was going home and a hilarious conversation about Canadian products being mostly "made in China". It's random, but yeah, I had a good laugh. 이 언니만큼 행복하게 해주는 사람은... 없을것이다. 이해하기 힘들지만...

3) Thoughtful text messages/calls/emails from family and friends wondering if my cold was getting better and worrying about whether I was eating properly.

Other than that....
I decided not to apply to McGill, nor to UdM for a Master's. Not because they are not awesome universities, but rather because I don't see any program that would be of interest for me. Right now I am so focused on France and that Institute, that if I get disappointed and refused, I don't think I can earnestly focus on any other program in any other university. Not for next year anyway. I will really do everything in my power to finish my degree and be accepted at that school but if I'm not meant to be accepted there.... Then I refuse to use Montreal as a back up and suffer through 2 years of more schooling that doesn't really motivate me. I never really liked school anyways and that French institute is the first place that I chose and really told myself "Yes this is what I want do do, I wanna study there". So if it's not meant to work out, too bad, but I cannot stay here after wanting to go away so badly.

So what are you going to do if it doesn't work out? my Mom asked. I'm gonna stay in Montreal for a few months to save up some money. Then I am going back to Korea for a year. English Teaching programs are not rare and it's not very hard to get, as long as you come from a country like Canada and have a somewhat decent personality (which I like to believe I have). Why not Japan? Many reasons. Money, for one. Then, the JET application deadline that's already past. Also the recent realization that if I want to make my focus of EAS on Korea, then I should live there a little longer, and use that opportunity to find a subject of thesis before I enter Grad School.

Meh, who knows, once that ECON exam is done with... I feel like I can succeed everything.

Keumerz @ 11:48 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Spent the worst night ever. I was trying to pull off an all nighter and I was doing a pretty good job until I decided to go for a food break... So I went exceptionally to Tim Hortons, which I shouldn't have considering that their Sandwich made me sick all night. I don't remember throwing up like this since Cegep, first year, when I had that beef which had been sitting in the fridge for too long... It was my first year away from my parents, I remember calling my dad at midnight, asking him to save me cuz I had never felt so sick before. I remember him saying he felt so powerless and sorry but that being 500km away from me, there was nothing he could do...That night, was maybe the only night in my Champlain life, when I had wished I hadn't left home so early... I never really felt this way again, but yesterday as I was throwing up and feeling like my stomach was being torn apart, I really thought of my Dad and I wished, even for one instant that he was there to hold me tight. I wished my Mom had been there to pat my back and pass her hand in my hair, as I was trying to fall asleep again.

I like people who see beyond normal expectations and who view the value of things a bit differently from others. I get disappointed so easily, I want to be able to go beyond all those things I expect and see things for what they really are. It's funny how one moment of pain, or one moment of unexpected unhappiness can turn you off to so many other things. Once you lose that feeling you get for someone, it's gone. No need to beg to get it back. They say there's a thin line between love and hate. Giving the love I can give some, I guess it's true I could hate them just as much. Not that I want to, but what if it turned out like that?

Wow, I guess there's no reason to feel so, and I guess it's me overreacting... but I feel like my feelings have been all trampled over again. It's funny how I always end up being taken for granted, thrown away for a moment and then eventually taken back when it's convenient by friends. And I just open my arms wide to that. I guess I'm just too dumb to walk out of it with dignity while I can. Whoever said love makes you cry all the time must be right, except that they shouldn't have limited their definition to lovers love, but to all kinds of love. I'm through with this. Let me get a bit colder. Screw all this, I have nothing more to prove to anyone, except myself... and what I need to prove myself right now is the fact that I'm stronger than this. No, I don't care and yes, tomorrow when I'm gonna see you, I'm gonna smile cool-ly and pull off the best scene of acting that was ever seen in history.

Tomorrow is the last day of school. I'm hoping for a better day to come. I guess I'm tired from staying up so much.

Keumerz @ 12:22 AM< [[ 4 comments ]]

Powered by eSnips.com