Seems like my cough is back? Maybe I should've slept earlier yesterday... but the late night hanging out was definitely worth it. Re-saw friends I hadn't seen in a while, reconnected with some... There's also that guy whom I didn't like very much before but who seems actually much more interesting than I thought. Second chances are always worth a shot. Now that I think this way, I wonder where my negative feelings towards him ever came from? Sometimes things just don't make sense and putting energy into disliking someone becomes so pointless that you forget the reason why you disliked them in the first place. Meh, that's a mistake which I will try not to make again. Believe only your own perception and not that of others. Judge people according to your own feelings. Point is, second chances are worth it.
I re-read some old emails. Sometimes you love someone so much that nothing in the world seems to matter and your feelings for that person seems just so strong that you are convinced it can never change. Then if you get stepped on, thrown away and taken back and then stepped on all over again, you think you can take it. And you hold on and on and on... but eventually there's either 1) nothing left of you, or 2) you start hurting so much that it explodes and everything that was around during that explosion just disintegrates.
Feelings are so fragile, if you think about it. I wanted to protect that kid so much and I was ready to give my all to it... but in the end, I forgot that before protecting that kid, I should've protected myself first... Maybe that game of deception and manipulation was the way that kid wanted to show me their "affection" by ever keeping me by their side, but in the end I was just manipulated, used and stepped on until there was nothing left to that pure heart but a bitter sense of rejection and humiliation. Now that I think about it, no matter how much I just want to move on and become a better person, that bad experience always comes back to my mind and turns me into a doubtful and scared being of pathetic misery.
Wow, how over dramatic. Why and how did that one person gain so much power over me that I let their memory even hurt me now? The world is kind of a scary place. No matter how many amazing people I meet and no matter how happy I get, this thought always remains in the back of my head, keeping me from fully being myself again. The defense mechanism builds up on its own... I just want to get through this once and for all. Please disappear. Let your memory be nothing but a memory.
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