Stressed. Like really stressed. Not just for econ, but mostly for next week's Korean presentation... I'm so stressed, I am having nightmares about it. Angry ones. Not good.
"I guess the mere thought of having a presentation in front of a bunch of Koreans and that asshole of a prof terrifies me. I think I can do well in most situations, but I really feel they have a piece of me. Like, I wanna prove them so hard that I can do well that I get more nervous and end up making a mess of things. It's funny how the feelings I have towards a prof can totally affect my performance in their class. If it was in front of "my prof" in Korea, I'd be very confident and I'd be able to try my best to show her how much I've learnt thanks to her.... And now here I am, in front of this other prof whom I despise, unable to utter a word and unable to shut her up by showing off my skills. She hasn't taught me a thing since I've come back and if there's one effect she had on me, it's to have shattered that confidence which took me so long to build in Korea. I know I'm the only loser in the story since she doesn't give a damn... yet I can't seem to elevate myself above this. I wished I could break her, but those dark feelings of hatred and disgust she inspires me only break my own self." tte
So I was thinking that, and nearly bursting out again, lifeless and confidence-less... Then, 핫티슈 held me close (for quite a long time)... and it didn't seem so bad anymore. I felt reassured... and somewhat warm? That warmth I felt reminded me of all the good things and all the good people that are in my life right now... close or far. Long known or recently known... And then I felt like I could lift myself up again, fight this fear of mine and do well on that presentation. Even if tomorrow I might be despairing again, I feel like today that one instant of courage should be enough to survive this ordeal.
It's funny how there are so many people who are having so much worse situations than I and they're going through much worse ordeals and all I do is complain about that bitch of a prof... Wow. How low did she bring me down...
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