Yesterday between 10:00 PM and 1:00 A.M.
I was dying to sleep earlier cuz I was so frustrated about so many things. I was in such a bad mood... Then I heard 핫티슈양's voice and as she sang and told me hilarious stories, all that anger and sadness within me vanished. Magical effect that some people can have on another person eh... Then I felt a bit guilty for not being able to say thank you properly... and I felt bad from keeping her from the studying she had to do for the next day... 2 hours and 12 minutes convo. That was supposed to be no more than 10 min.... I apologize for being selfish again. Good thing is, I can feel this gloomy phase ending, so no worries, I'll make it up to her. Promise.
************
I realized that I've been hard on my parents and most likely hurt them while they were here. No matter how much I try to make things okay, I always seem to make things worse. It's not that I don't love them nor that I cannot express myself, but I find myself in a very difficult position when it comes to expressing feelings honestly. It comes out wrong. I guess my dad and I are very similar in that way. He has a hard time expressing himself too and more often than not, he'll turn his compliments into a major insult with a happy ending? But most of the time we don't listen till the end so we never hear the nice part. lol. Anyways I love my Dad as he is, but I wished I could communicate a bit more easily with him and my Mom. There are so many things I'd wish for them to understand and there are so many things I'd want to show them but I just never seem to find the right timing/words to do so.
The answers will come in time I guess.
*****************
This morning. 7:00 A.M.
지쌤 finally contacted me. It's funny how I always get worried and somehow I was right to do so. I could feel something wasn't right. She's not happy and she's having a hard time. And as usual, instead of letting me onto things, she just cuts me off and thinks it's better to not ask me for support. I guess you can once again blame this on the age hierarchy of Korea... but at those times I realize how non-Korean I am and how much I wanna support her, lift her up above and make sure she's (if not happy) not unhappy. And the worst things about all this is that I know whenever she talks to me, she feels better, but it's like she's not allowing herself to let herself be cheered up by me. Like depending on me is somewhat wrong because of the age difference? Nonsense. If you're having a hard time, just say it. Don't wait for me to get sleepless out of worrying for you. You know I'll always be there to support you no matter what.
********************
I am feeling a bit envious of those who have a lover to spend those cold days in Montreal. Though I have a very comfortable lifestyle and very good friends to rely on, I sometimes wished I could find that spark that would make my life seem like it has a different purpose. I can work for school and I can do my best for my friends... but in the end, if I could fall in love, I know I could give my best for this one person and that would be a totally different feeling. I think. I guess I'm not in a hurry, it's just a wish, but still. I miss that warmth.
**************
I don't understand that dude. Was it just my misunderstanding, as he said? Could I really have overreacted and overdramatized the whole situation?... I feel like a Yoyo again.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home