This entry is gonna sound stupid... but it is something I wanted to share.
I had this terrible feeling today. Apart from the horrible "women week" pain, I had this bad feeling in my heart. How can I exactly explain this?
I got close to some amazing people recently. And I felt so happy to be with them and I still feel happy to be with them.... but at some point, I felt a bit guilty? Guilty to be so happy and forget about the rest. Guilty to almost forget about all those people that I claimed to miss so much for so long... like my Prof and others in Korea. For the first time in 10 months I gave no thoughts about her and did not contact her for a few days. And when I realized that, my heart somewhat felt like breaking, because she had been the one constant person I knew I'd never stop caring about. And well, I still do care about her, but I am scared that as time goes by, I'll forget about her more and more... and eventually she'll become one of those people I get in touch with only a few times every few months or years or so....
Someone once told me before that I was a egoistical self-centered person, that all I cared about was the satisfaction I got from those entities I meet. That I just drained everything I could get from them and then throw them away as if they're nothing. I want to deny that so much. I want to say out loud that I love deeper than anyone else and that the love I carry for the people I meet just continues for ever... but to be honest, there are many cases when it didn't quite work. There were times when distance or time just pushed me away from people. Other cases when it just didn't work for uncontrollable reasons... I thought it is something that just cannot be helped... people can't always be constant and they cannot always be together through the years and the ones who will remain by your side are the real friends you'll count on forever... I think part of this way to think is true...
But I promised myself I wanted to give it my all first. If I gave my all to a relationship and it still failed to remain, then so be it. Then there's no regret and it was just not meant to be. Not just love but also friendship under all its forms. My prof being the prime example of what I consider to be 인연 (like destined to meet), I thought if anybody, I'll always give my all for her and be constant. Actually, even if I hadn't decided to do so, I would have done so naturally... Giving to her, calling her, worrying about her felt just so natural to me. Not hearing from her was a bit painful at times, not understanding her busy lifestyle was also sometimes difficult, but I was always reassured by her other means to show me her presence.... Like, she was always there whenever I needed her to be, but didn't necessarily expect her to be? Anyways the point is. I thought I could prove everything I believed in to be right by giving my all for this one person, who was so far away. And I like that person so much I thought I'd always naturally give a thought for her....
But today I realized it wasn't true. And it terrified me. For the first time, there was a whole week when I didn't think about her at all. You'll say, one week is nothing. However, to me it just means that that one week can become many weeks that can become months, that could become so much longer? From the moment when I lose that focus, I feel like I can lose them. Like so many others. I'm terrified cuz I don't want them, especially that prof, to become just another person I met and failed to protect and keep by my side... Ah, I feel kinda foolish......... whats happening to me... what if I can't protect anybody?...
2 Comments:
It's Okay yo
Relationships are not unidirectional, it's not up to one person to keep on caring or keeping touch. It's got to be both; once it'll be you, once it'll be her.
And don't forget the fact that you're having one of a freakishly busy schedule. Think of yourself first, be selfish. The best you can be for others, in my opinion, is to be the best of yourself.
Especially for your prof. If she's a figure that guides you, she wouldn't want you to just "be there", but to rather fulfill yourself. Once again, be selfish. Think of your health, think of what you want to do, and do what you have to do. Who would want a boring friend anyways? If they can't have access to you whenever they feel like it, that's also part of life.
Or what you can do also is telling her what you just wrote here. That'd be a nice, cute email. That's a form of love or care, isn't it?
...Anyhow, do not forget this comment comes from someone who's been called cold-hearted more than once by people. haha... It's hard to keep friends when your priority in life is not (mindlessly) socializing :(
sou dane...
I think yesterday I was a bit overly emotional, then I went on this major guilt trip...but you and another friend told me the same thing, so maybe I should try to follow the way you guys do it! ^^... I know sometimes thinking of myself first is the right thing to do, I guess I thought that I would be able to include her (and others) in many other ways? but as you said, it's impossible to keep track of everything and everyone when one is really busy trying to do something with their life. Nanka this morning I feel better... thanks ^^
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