Admittedly, I'm a KY in the Japanese sense of the term. I don't seem to see what's going on around me, though I thought of myself as pretty sensitive of my surrounding. Yesterday for the second time this year, I felt like my heart was being stabbed all over and no matter how much I wished for its beat to stop so that I wouldn't feel this ridiculous pain in my chest, it just kept beating faster. And worse than anything for some reason, the pain doesn't go away even this morning. Will it go away with time? They say time heals anything but I don't know if it can truly heal this.
You think you know someone and you think you're above all those preconceived ideas of friendship and love, but as a matter of fact, you end up as miserable as eevryone else and you realize that all that idealization of a friendship you had was just the bad result of an excess of self-confidence. That's pretty much in simpler words what happened yesterday. No matter how happy I thought I was and no matter how much I cared about that one person, it was just not enough for them and I was foolishly relaxing in my self-complacency, when actually there was nothing to be self complacent about. Whoever said that love hurts more than friendship was a big fat liar. And whoever said that men-women friendship was possible is a blind idiot. Because there was never in this world stronger bound than ours and in the end, it still failed miserably. That might be because of the KY-ness of the idiot writing this entry.
Yes, I wanted to believe we were above that and yes it was probably wishful thinking. And yes I believed you when you said you trusted me as a friend and were willing to be there by my side as such. I believed everything and I poured my heart out again into thir frienship thinking it was back on track, thinking we are so much better than this. No, I didn't see this coming, though I had noticed the recent distance. No, I hadn't realized things would become so dramatic... and no, I don't understand why I'm so sad now and why it hurts so much. I hope you enjoyed deblattering all those things in the way you said them, because it's really not worth hurting so much over such words if you didn't carefully chose them. I hope it's easy for you to just walk out like this, because it's definitely not easy for me.
Just... don't yo-yo with me. Don't come back later if you're gonna step on me a little bit more everytime you leave. Maybe I should've appreciated your harshness.
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