Last week he called and today, I stumbled on one of his old emails... and everytime I remembered.
We could never be together again... Even if we wanted to, it wouldn't be possible... I guess I miss him sometimes. But mostl, what I miss, is the feeling I had when I was with him. Like somehow, I never wanted it to end. I just wanted to be with him all the time, even if it was too much. The feeling that made me go forward while making me stall for hours thinking about him. I miss that warmth I felt within myself, that love I was gonna give him and he was giving me. I miss that excitement when he'd call, this need to hear his voice before I go to sleep. I miss the feeling I had when he'd hold me in his arms or kiss me. I miss missing him when he's not around. I miss the intensity of our fights, the intensity of making up. To feel insecure about him meeting other girls and to feel somewhat sheltered at any moment.
Will I ever be able to feel that again? I'm starting to doubt.
Along with all those wonderful feelings, I remembered all the bad ones as well. The guilt of hurting him. That guilt which followed me through since then and seems to not want to disappear. That anger I felt towards myself after I realized what I had let go, what I had lost, how misunderstanding I had been.
But even with all thses. I still miss it over all... I miss him.
Maybe that was the reason my prof wanted me to find out within myself.
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