Relief that the kid didn't come. One stress source less. It's kinda cruel to look at things this way... but yeah... I don't want to do that stuff anymore. Make things look good when actually I don't think they're so good. I can try as much as I want to make things okay, I think that once such strong feelings are gone, it's hard to ever make them come back. It's like going from something normal to intense love, to intense disappointment, to pure hatred, to nothingness... and now trying to go back to something normal? It's become so awkward. But it's better to be honest about the awkwardness from the beginning... so I did say it was weird, that I wanted time between now and the next time we talk. Maybe it'll take years to make a conversation seem normal. Maybe we'll never have a normal conversation. I mean, how was I feeling one year ago? I was feeling so bitter and angry that I thought I'd break that kid if she were to show up in front of me. One year later, it's just in a state of... somewhat sadness? But I'm not specifically sad at the fact that she and I don't talk /don't mean much to each other anymore, I'm more sad at the fact that my heart could forget that so easily... Like... a very short not so important dream... I'm really questioning the heart and its ever changing condition...
Oh well. What's the point now eh? Let's look back at all this as a bunch of good memories.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I've started seeing the small gestures that people do for me... and I'm learning to appreciate them for real. Or maybe I'm starting to realize big gestures are not always the most significant ones?
It's funny how a text message, a comment on a blog, or anything like that can mean so much...
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home