So... I've come back from Korea. Maybe quite changed. Maybe not so much...
But I've for sure grown much more attached to my birth country than I used to. I think I somewhat used to fear it. Maybe because I felt some sense of rejection or maybe because I had this image of the Korean exclusivity.... and I felt I could never quite fit in? I didn't use to fit in so well actually. And then I came back and suddenly things seemed clearer? It was maybe just a matter of language... but I think the biggest element was the whole grasp of what is Korean, what should you understand about them, how do you get closer to them. I think understanding those two feelings "Jeong" and "Han" also played a key role to understanding the society and how to fit myself in it. Though I'm still unsure I could fit there as a worker, I'm sure I can fit pretty well as a human at least. Despite the differences of the background education I've received, we have a lot of things in common... Even if it only includes the way we feel things... (Well, that's already quite something.)
Some Koreans who arrive in Canada say that they have a hard time adapting to the place, not because of the language, not because of the weather, but because the people are so different. Well, you'll say it's the same everywhere and perhaps it is... But I think there are a lot of things that they might feel insecure about and that would include the fact that people might not understand the way they feel or view a certain aspect of things... I mean, we all have those moments when we feel we can't understand others or they can't understand you... But I've felt that a lot of Koreans just felt this way about the people around and it might have been a factor why they were so "exclusive". It's a fact that you feel close to someone who comes from where you come from and who experienced these things that the others might not have.....
I don't have the pretention of saying I can understand everything that's Korean. There's also a French kid within me. A French kid who questions everything she sees that's not French. But I think I've felt things I had never felt before in Korea maybe in the same way a person who emigrated a long time ago would, upon going back home for the first time.
I don't really know where I'm going writing this... But the whole "jeong" thing... I think I've grasped the meaning of it only when I left Korea. The way teachers, friends and other people you meet treat you is just so different from the way they'd do here... A lot of people see Asians as being colder than Europeans... but as a matter of fact, Koreans are much warmer than a lot of Occidental people I've known... It's just that they don't just give it away... but once you've earned their warmth, it's something you can count on forever. It's a bond stronger than can be imagined... Seriously. And it's a bond that is not questioned. It's like a true family bond... Family, sometimes hate each other to death yet the conclusion we just assume is"oh well it can't be helped it's my family". Stick by each other even through the hard moments...
I might have not seen all of it... But I just found amazing how despite the short amount of time I've known them, the people there took care of me more than they should have even if they had known me for years... Maybe I'm gonna wake up and realize it was all a dream... Or maybe that's just the way their reality is shaped... Maybe it's something that can only be felt through the bond I share with them, the fact I was born there makes me more accessible than most foreigners?
To be honest, what is it that I feel when I'm with Koreans.... I don't know what it is... I can't fully explain it... But I miss the feeling I had in Korea... To be surrounded by it.
I don't mean to reject everything else and I want to be careful not to lose everything I've gained from other cultures as well... but I just... wanna hold on to that feeling who just keeps me floating above an ocean of painful memories and guilt. Because even if I fall, I know they'll catch me just before I hit the ground....
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