Home sweet home.
Opera watching, classical music listening, sleep. Lots of sleep. Good food, good company. I think I haven't been around my family for so long, it's actually nice to be back around here.
Many things go through my mind but my thoughts got much more positive than when I was in Montreal.
I think I needed time away from all this, all those people and all those thoughts. Oh and after months of bad sleep, it's amazing that I am able to sleep so well here. I guess something is comforting me eh.
Sara should be leaving to Japan soon. It's pretty amazing. I guess she was able to find there what I am still unable to find. To be honest, I admire the people who find the strength to leave and achieve their dream. And I admire them even more if they choose to go to a place like Japan....
Cuz... after thinking it a lot, I don't think I could. And I've thought about it a lot. I don't think I could live there with the people and their values. It just doesn't match mine in any way. I love Japanese culture and I'll love touring there and seeing my friends. I think I like Japanese as individuals. I like Japanese as a culture, a history. A country closely related to Korea and the shaping of Korea nowdays...
But yeah human value wise, Japan and I just don't match. and I've talked to this Quebecois man who's been in Japan for 42 years now because of his work... and he confirmed to me everything I thought in terms of human relations. I just don't see myself living myself in that society. Not for long anyways... Well the same goes for Korea or any other place, but among all the places where I've thought of living someday, I realized I should cross out Japan. Well max. 3, 4 years.
And I realized that I just can't understand those who develop a random passion for Japan (or any country) without really knowing what it's like there or without having any link to it. You know, I've been to places and I've been crazy about some different cultures (like Spain in 2006) but I've never bet my whole life on something that I didn't know about at least partially. I met several people who just love some country so much (in many cases it was Japan) and even though they know close to nothing about it, but they studied about it in books, watched movies and met a few people who were nice to them, they just assumed it was dreamland, better than home and they bet their whole life on it??? Well I just don't get it. Or maybe they're the ones who just don't get it... I mean, I can get quite crazy about Korea sometimes, but I certainly wasn't that desperate BEFORE I went there... (And now I came back and I guess I miss it so much I did fall in love with it... but still I'm saner than those people). Plus I tried my best to get rid of all those prejudice and preconceived ideas before I left or else it would've been too much of a shock going there. When you expect so much while knowing nothing, it can only lead to a bitter disappointment. I'm not pointing at someone in specific, I just know too many people who are like this. Thinking that Japan (in this case) is like dreamland and that their Otaku dream/ "perfect society that's always happy" dream. Then they stay there for a few years and realize that Japan is a society like every others with certainly a lot of good things, but a lot of negative things as well. Then they look back at it and they realize that home, or other places are not so bad... It's the same everywhere, you'll find good and bad at the same time.... Stop dreaming. Utopia doesn't exist. Or if you're completely ignorant and idiotic I guess you can live in bliss. Oh yeah, I'm sure stupid people are happy.
Maybe that's a reason I decided not to go back to Korea? I mean I'll always be attached to the place. I'll go back to see my friends and maybe I'll live a few years there and who knows get married with a Korean... But I hardly see myself staying there forever and raising my children there. Because I know despite my love of the place and the good things I see, there are also a lot of factors to take into account. A much bigger picture.
I think if I learnt something over the few last months, it's the whole "There is a Bigger Picture thing". I tried to convince myself too much that I belonged to Korea (and part of me does), but I realize now that I don't have to give up everything else to be Korean.
What else got me thinking?
"Vivre avec des remords plutot que des regrets." Living with the regret of doing something I shouldn't have rather than living with the regrets of not doing something and wondering if I should've. I've always been told I'm passionate. A little too much. I get into things, into people. I give 100% of myself when I get into something like a language or a sport or even a friend. I thought I should become moderate, like the others. But I've finally realized that being like the others sucks. Being careful also sucks. Being a coward most definitely sucks. And not giving it my best shot just because I think it's gonna hurt later, is being a copycat careful coward, which definitely sucks. People can be cowards if they want. They can get scared of being hurt if they want. And they can live their life wondering "what if I had made more efforts?" if they want. I just think that attitude sucks and I don't wanna do that. 100%, baby. 100%.
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