I can't remember the last time I felt so depressed. Hah. That's a lie. I remember exactly the time when I felt this depressed. One month after coming back from Seoul, I went through the same phase. I got insecure about everything. People and human relationships most of all. I feel like it's coming back... Trigger? I could blame it on my prof's package and the letter she sent, but I think it was all inside of me somewhere and I was very careful not to touch it. For the last 6 months I made myself so busy that I didn't think about these things. I was making myself busy enough with new meetings, new dating, new lifestyle, new everything... thinking that with time, all those feelings within me would vanish like a miracle. Or maybe like a dream? But it's not a dream. I can fight it but they won't go away. I can act like nothing in the world scares me, but I'm terrified inside. And the funniest thing about all this is if you ask me to explain what's going on within my head, I'm unable to tell you exactly what it is. I know, well I sorta know. But I can't find a solution to it. When I try to explain, tears flow. When I try to sleep, it pounds my head so hard I can't fall asleep. Empty. I'm feeling empty. I've felt such happiness and I'm so thankful for that, but why is it that after such a climax of joy, I am finding myself like this? Why do I have to be surrounded by those worries and insecurities?
"To have something to miss, isn't that in itself something to be thankful for?" She said. I can understand the words. I can understand the meaning. Why doesn't it just sink in then? She's always right. Maybe that's why when I talk to her I feel so confused. She's always right and I can only acknowledge that... but as submissive as I am when she talks sense into me, I am frustrated not to be able to understand fully... by myself. I don't wanna become a burden to her or anyone. I just have to figure things out. In the end, no matter who surrounds you, life is something you do on your own. Maybe I forgot that during those 7 months. I felt so surrounded and supported, that I forgot to stand on my own two feet. Now that I have to do so, I can't stand. Quite silly, really. Everything that goes through someone's mind when they're on their own. Quite scary too. Emptiness and more emptiness. The rain keeps falling in and out. I just... don't know what to do. When you feel alone despite the fact that you're so surrounded, what is left to do? How do you not feel alone? At this point, can God even help me? How do I deal with this?
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