I Believe

Life's like that...

These days, I am feeling... depressed. (lol. I'm saying that, but with a smile. No worries, I'm not gonna go jump off a bridge or anything.) Some say it's just the weather, but since September I've found myself unsatisfied with the life I am leading right now. Technically, nothing is missing in my life; I have a sweet boyfriend, a good family, I'm not doing that badly in school and socially I am surrounded by awesome people. Then what is the problem? Emptiness. It's the kind of feeling that is rather difficult to explain and that I believe, very few people can really understand... I feel lonely though I am in a crowd. Bored when I should be having fun. Frustrated with studies, when I should be giving it my all.

People tell me "When is the last time you felt actually happy." They don't understand. It's not about being happy or not. It's about having this special thing or feeling that fills you up and boost you. You can be happy without feeling filled. The feeling I'm talking about, only a few people would be able to provide it to me. But right now, I don't feel anyone is able to do so, therefore I feel empty. It seems to me as a very simple concept, yet noone seems to be able to grasp it.

Annoyed with people, I stayed home on my own to think. I've wondered "Why this. Why that." Most of all, I was wondering "what am I doing with my life? where am I going?" Even though I changed major to International Development Studies (IDS) many people tell me I don't have the profile for it. While I am writing this I realize the part of the sentence "many people tell me..." I keep listening to everyone's opinion without caring about what I really want. I thought maybe it's better to always keep others' desires above my own. This way, I won't be selfish and they will be happy. But life is not like that.

Sometimes you have to be selfish and do things you want the way you want.

After talking to a friend of mine who noticed my passion for languages, I finally found out why I was dragged to IDS. I started learning Japanese because there were friends of mine who spoke it and I wanted to understand their culture, understand them in the context of their own language and make them understand me. Then I realized everytime I was learning a language, it was like that. I want to understand people, work with them and in my own way help the different countries of the world understand each other instead of fearing each other or fighting. IDS is all about that. Helping the world's poor, saving the world from misery... Build a better future for our children and the children of our children. Reduce inequality in this world.

For sure, it looks like I don't fit this profile. For now. Right now, I am not sure I am ready to go in a refugee camp away from my capitalist comfort and security to go help poor people. Maybe I am not ready for it yet. Before helping someone, you gotta help yourself, I think. There are so many things I need to work on. Compassion, understanding, patience, maturity... All these things I lack are what I need to fit better the profile of someone who will be reliable to help people. I don't wanna be in the UN or any NGO just for the name or the sake of it. I don't wanna be one of those people who slow things down instead of helping progress.

I wanna be me, or an improved version of me, helping people improve their situation. You could say, I wanna save the world in my own way. Haha.. Maybe some of you will read this and think "It doesn't sound like Keumyeo." but u know what? I don't care and I will show you this side of me once it's ready to come out.

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