with me, anyways. I lost my sunglasses when I was in France after merely a year of using them. Now I lost my regular glasses which I had bought last year in Korea. *Sigh* I really liked those glasses too. They were chosen by YW unni in Seoul when M-chan came to visit me with her Japanese coworkers. I had them all along my last 3 months in Korea (which were the best!) and I have so many pictures where I am wearing them, that I feel like I lost something important.... No, you're right, it's nothing serious, it's just material and it's replaceable but it's still frustrating and kind of stupid.
The frustrating thing about this is that I really thought I improved on these kind of things. Not leaving things just anywhere, being careful of this and that, not forgetting appointments. Be as little late as possible. Living in an organized manner that lacked in the first 17 years of my life. I really thought I got more organized and more adult-like in that respect (or more like my brother...). I guess that I was so excited at the NJSC that I totally forgot to pay attention to small things, a mistake that I am hoping not to do again.
Well... I guess I'm gonna have to buy new glasses. Where... and when? They're so expensive in this ridiculous country.... Maybe I'll wait a month and buy them in Seoul again...
Too short. It was wayy too short. We met on saturday, got somewhat closer on saturday evening, got really comfortable on sunday... and we had to leave on that very day. I am amazed at how attached I got in such a short time. It was a very good feeling. As they said in the beginning, "everyone is a winner". Technically we are, since we all won our regional contest and got to the National Speech Contest. And it REALLY showed at the contest... Ota-sensei said this year was probably the highest level he's seen in the last 6 or 7 years. The beginner category didn't seem like beginners at all: they all could have done intermediate and some spoke quite fluently for their level. But I knew that S was gonna do well and she did, she got FIRST PRIZE!!! She received a computer and I was glad to see that she was a very classy winner. She congratulated all the others and never let it get to her head, even though she was ecstatic. I am so proud of her. :)
The intermediate category was hard too... honestly, the level could have been easily considered advanced. Those kids were so good!! I felt like I should have exchanged my place with one or two people. The Grand Prize Winner is actually from the Intermediate category. He spoke about Milk, and his Japanese was impressive in many aspects. His prize? An open ticket to Japan with a scholarship.
I did well in the advanced category. I got THIRD!! :D:D Actually I didn't expect it, just cuz the level was so high. There was a major level gap between the second and me. And also quite a gap between the first and the second. They spoke about very complicated things. My identity speech made me feel like an intermediate at that moment... I didn't quite understand everything they were talking about... and their fluency at the question part was very impressive. I cannot complain at all. They just were THAT good. It was impressive and I really hope I can reach that level for myself someday. ^^;
The Open category... was really the open category. The two winners were ridiculously good. One guy talked about Sumo and he was hilarious. Some of us stood to clap just cuz he was that entertaining. The winner was a Chinese girl who lived in Japan for a long time and consequently, her Japanese was near perfect. Impressive. Maybe I should go live there for a couple of years too... ^^
ANyways overall, it was great. We had a good time, we met loads of cool people. The teachers were nice too. One of the judges was stunningly beautiful, I was totally mesmerized... lol
One unni told me something that made me think a little while ago. "Sometimes, no matter how much two people care about each other, there can't seem to have any agreement between them." When it reaches that point where you care "too much", it gets easier to misunderstand, one gets greedier (in terms of what they want for themselves and what they want the other to understand), it just gets tiring in general. The very emotionally strong friendships are like Fire. They start quickly, they get consumed intensely and they're over as fast as they started. Sometimes they just explode, sometimes they just die out. Well it's not that they all end this way... In some cases, it takes a lot of intense fighting and making-up... and once you overcome that overflow of feelings, you can "truly" understand each other. Unfortunately it often ends before you can overcome that phase, just because patience is not a gift that everyone possesses. I know for sure that I personally don't have any, a fact that makes me very sad.
Often, the longest-lasting friendships are the one where each party is easy-going with each other and has little expectations. Why is that? I wouldn't know for sure... But I guess it can be seen as a small fire in which you put wood when it needs it and never more... so it burns slowly and continues burning for a long time...? I like to think of those as the pleasant kind of friendships where you can offer a part of yourself without making a "big deal out of it". It's kind of like a platonic love relationship, really.... You can feel comfortable with one person for a long time, talk about various things, get to know them to a certain extend, but it definitely lacks the passion, devotion and endeavour you would have with the "explosive" kind of relationship... the ones that tend to end quickly.
So why start, knowing it's gonna end? Because that passion, that intensity, the overflow of emotions (whether you're feeling incredibly happy thanks to this one being, or incredibly sad) is worth it all. And those memories you keep, the good ones and the bad ones, they remain part of you and them forever. Leaving a trace in someone's mind, isn't it the greatest social accomplishment? We meet thousands of people, only a few remain by our side and only few mark us and make us remember them for ever... I think that even if I can't be by someone's side for ever for some odd/unexpected/undesired/etc. circumstances... then I'd rather be somewhere in their memory than be forgotten. That's why letting go at the right time is better than holding on, squeezing until there's nothing left...
That's why I can let you go now, with a smile, lots of love in my heart and many thanks. What about you?
These days I've been busy surveying Japanese people about their opinion on Zainichi Kankokujin (Korean residents in Japan). At first, it was kind of a test and I since wasn't sure whether people were gonna be willing to answer or not, I also wasn't sure I was gonna be able to use the results for my presentation, which is in two weeks. However, the results are so interesting to read, and most people really took time to write very interesting stuff, supported opinions, etc. In two days I had more than 30 replies, which I thank my friends for, since they all contributed to spread the survey to their own friends. To be honest, I was really surprised, because everyone accepted to help, even people who didn't know me. I don't know if I would have been so willing to do for someone I don't even know... Maybe I will from now on. It really does help. I won't post the details of the results yet, but in short, I think we can really look at our generation positively. At first, I thought "maybe it's just a reality they don't think about", but then reading more and more answers, I think it's more "wow, our generation is able to look at people for who they are, more than where they come from". And I think that's something very important. The Earthling within was very satisfied to find out so.
This Japanese Survey has been taking most of my time. Followed by Japanese Kanji. At first, I was gonna be satisfied just to be able to read some and speak at the conversational level. I can express most things that I want in Japanese... I thought it was gonna be enough... but no. I want more. I wanna keep studying it and study harder and harder. Even if it takes me for ever. Even if Japan is not a country I wanna live forever in... (Well Korea isn't either..) But I realized that if I lose this language, I'll regret it forever. I'll find a way to keep studying it. I want to.
I had somewhat of an hesitation about my grad school language choice... but after talking to some wise people, I realized maybe not continuing Korean would be an even greater mistake. I'm kind of torn between the two, but maybe it's better to keep doing Korean until I reach that desired level (which was always a higher level goal, more than a conversational one)... and who knows maybe I can keep learning Japanese at the same time. I'll force myself to know Kanji and to study the equivalents in each language.
And then... as for my Masters... well of course, I haven't decided my thesis choice.. but I find myself more and more interested in the relationship between Korea and Japan. Historically, and now socially. The research I am doing about the Zainichi is something that fascinates me too... If I learn both languages, it will help me meet more people from each country. If I study both cultures, then I'll keep learning about their particular relationship... I don't remember being so suddenly passionate about such a specific topic... And I don't know if it's gonna lead me anywhere... but... who cares, right? I'll end up working somewhere and I'll be happy and satisfied of my choices at the very end. Or maybe I'll hate it, but I'll still have learnt something. Ganbarou...
I don't know. Sometimes it just happens this way. You meet someone and it clicks. Sometimes it goes through, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you'll make more efforts than necessary, sometimes not... And there's no way to know if this feeling is gonna last. There's no way to know if that clicking feeling you have with someone (whether they're friends, potential lovers, family-like entities or whatever) will last, unless you give it a try and wait to see the outcome.
Sometimes it doesn't matter if it lasts or not. Because the best friends you'll cherish all your life depend on more than just a clicking moment anyways. But to me... just the fact of having this feeling is a precious memory in itself. A life-learning experience. And it's worth it. It's worth all those feelings. It's worth all the doubts and the wondering why and how.
One moment of happiness, that's all. But what a moment. Quality, not quantity.
It's amazing how much impact small gestures can have. A short message on gmail to say "I miss you". A short drop-by at an important event to say "Good luck". A text from Australia saying "Congrats". A short phone call from Korea to say "I've been busy, but I think of you". A comment on an blog entry to say "hey I've read it". And so on, and so on... To some it might seem like nothing, but I find it's very meaningful. I just want to remember those and forget about the disappointments of the opposite kind of gestures, the ones who make you doubt yourself and others...
I'm supposed to be doing homework, now that it's over... but I can't focus. I can't think of anything else right now. It just feels like all this never happened and I'm gonna wake up the day of the competition.
Advanced category. 1st Prize. No, I didn't believe it at first. It was so sudden, and I'm the type to always finish second... but I guess not this time. This time I'm first, and I'm even going to represent Quebec at the National Competition in Toronto at the end of the month.
It wasn't just winning that is amazing and exhilirating... but rather, the feeling of winning surrounded by all those amazing people that came to cheer for me. It would have been easy for them to make one of those empty promises and then not come, but they didn't back out. They were by my side when I was trembling with nervosity before it started. They were by my side after I was done to pat my back and say "Good job, you did it". And they were by my side to share this amazingly happy feeling I had. Winning something like this all alone means nothing. But today I felt something so special. I can't describe it exactly... but it felt so good to be there, to be with them.
Oh and what more. I said earlier I wanted to get even a small prize so that I could show off to everyone my teacher and give some of this glory to her, to her teachings and to her patience. Well I did it. First prize! I don't think she understood how much it meant for me to win something for her, but I find it's one of my greatest accomplishments. That smile she gave me as she said "Congratulations, KY-san, I knew your speech was great", that's worth more than the money, more than the glory, more than any prize in the world.
Today is not just my day. I owe it all to the people who came to see me, the ones who thought of me and to that one teacher who supported me all along. What an incredible day. I want to always remember it.
I did my speech in front of the Japanese class today. Needed to practice and it was good that I did. I spoke way too fast, was shaking... but at least I remembered every single word... and my nerves didn't let me down this time.
It's kind of funny how I can act so cocky and confident in general but I am terrified to be in front of people, even (or maybe especially) those that I know? Maybe I am scared of letting them know about this weaker part of mine... Anyways, I felt grateful that none of the students in the class did so much as moving while I was speaking it out and I felt even more grateful that they encouraged me after it was over. It's funny how small gestures can mean so much. Half of them told me they'd come watch the contest too and I felt happy to know I'll be supported. We don't know each other that well and I did somewhat look down on their work ethics at the beginning of the class, but they really have a good heart and I am thankful I got to know that before the year was over.
After the practice, I went to Uesaka sensei's office for some feedback, some more coaching and one more practice. Funny thing, the one thing she corrected me about was my pronunciation of words that originally come from English. "Identity" as "Aidentiti-", "Percent" as "pa-sento", "Asia" as "a/ji/a". Then she fixed some tone problems and she said "it's okay to forget all those details once you do the speech contest, be natural. It's a great speech, so be confident." I want to remember only those words today and the next day, every moment until the contest.
I can't even remember why I wanted to participate to that contest in the first place. Maybe something nice to put on my resume? or the need to prove myself I can do well in Japanese? or the desire to vainquish that public speech fear of mine?... Something like that? I feel like now the main goal changed. I just want to do well. Well enough so that people will wonder, "who was that kid's teacher?" and then people will reply "Uesaka M." And then this 15 seconds of glory that I get (if I get them), they'll go to her, too. A small way to thank someone who made this year academically so much more interesting and rewarding.
After a busy Monday with presentations and tests and stuff like that, I met with my road trip friend M and we went to see J in Boston by car. We left later than we expected because of the traffic that M had to go through when he came to pick me up in Montreal. We also took a break in Burlington, so we arrived to Boston around 11 P.M. J's parents were lovely and they welcomed us very warmly. I hadn't seen J for nearly 2 years. We were together in Korea but had lost touch for a little while... but it's great to see her again.
Tuesday, J showed us her university (Boston Univ.) and then M and I went around downtown to do some sightseeing. Boston downtown is very clean and beautiful. It didn't feel like such a big city.. The atmosphere was quite similar to that of Montreal and the people were quite nice! Everywhere we went, we saw Quebecois people wearing the Habs shirt because the same night the Montreal Canadiens were playing the Boston Bruins. Of course, M, J and I got tickets for the game. Montreal 4 - Boston 1. It was quite exciting though, especially when we were surrounded by Boston fans... A completely different atmosphere from the arena in Montreal... But since we got pretty good seats for cheap, it was a really good experience.
J's parents took us out for dinner. They don't speak much English but they are sooo warm. I was very touched by their kindness. They would ask many questions through Jenna and they tried to say words in English, so M and I tried to say some stuff in Cantonese. "M goi, hoho shik". (Thank you, it was a great meal). It's a language I'll never master even if I tried to, but it's amazing how with little words you can communicate so much.
