I Believe

Admittedly, I'm a KY in the Japanese sense of the term. I don't seem to see what's going on around me, though I thought of myself as pretty sensitive of my surrounding. Yesterday for the second time this year, I felt like my heart was being stabbed all over and no matter how much I wished for its beat to stop so that I wouldn't feel this ridiculous pain in my chest, it just kept beating faster. And worse than anything for some reason, the pain doesn't go away even this morning. Will it go away with time? They say time heals anything but I don't know if it can truly heal this.

You think you know someone and you think you're above all those preconceived ideas of friendship and love, but as a matter of fact, you end up as miserable as eevryone else and you realize that all that idealization of a friendship you had was just the bad result of an excess of self-confidence. That's pretty much in simpler words what happened yesterday. No matter how happy I thought I was and no matter how much I cared about that one person, it was just not enough for them and I was foolishly relaxing in my self-complacency, when actually there was nothing to be self complacent about. Whoever said that love hurts more than friendship was a big fat liar. And whoever said that men-women friendship was possible is a blind idiot. Because there was never in this world stronger bound than ours and in the end, it still failed miserably. That might be because of the KY-ness of the idiot writing this entry.

Yes, I wanted to believe we were above that and yes it was probably wishful thinking. And yes I believed you when you said you trusted me as a friend and were willing to be there by my side as such. I believed everything and I poured my heart out again into thir frienship thinking it was back on track, thinking we are so much better than this. No, I didn't see this coming, though I had noticed the recent distance. No, I hadn't realized things would become so dramatic... and no, I don't understand why I'm so sad now and why it hurts so much. I hope you enjoyed deblattering all those things in the way you said them, because it's really not worth hurting so much over such words if you didn't carefully chose them. I hope it's easy for you to just walk out like this, because it's definitely not easy for me.
Just... don't yo-yo with me. Don't come back later if you're gonna step on me a little bit more everytime you leave. Maybe I should've appreciated your harshness.

Keumerz @ 8:33 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I think too much. I worry too much. My prof always says so, my friends too.
I think I'll listen to them this time and just enjoy the moment while it lasts. As long as they know I care about them, that should be enough, right?... As she said, the people who are meant to stay by your side will, no matter how many/few efforts you make for them. Things happen for a reason and they do naturally. Now I just need to take confidence that the caring I offer them is worth more than I think and that somehow it'll be enough to keep them by my side.
And it's not by pushing away the people close to me now that I will protect the people who are far away from me. I'll keep trying my best and we'll see how it turns out. Ganbarimashou.
**********
I spent the day at that coffee shop again. Fous Desserts definitely rocks. I also saw a friend whom I hadn't seen in nearly 2 years. His nickname is "Shanghai" and he's one of my close friends' boyfriend. Incidently, we have a lot of common friends so we used to hang out quite abit. Today we talked for a while and stayed at the coffee shop to study. I was actually so happy to see him and kind of surprised cuz I thought he wouldn't be back in M-town for a long time.... Anyways, he tried one of the croissants and he said it was so good, that it became the standard of patisserie for him! He said that whenever he'll try croissants at other place, he will compare them to the one he ate today. No wonder, their stuff is just THAT good. I tend to exaggerate, but this time, I'm not the only one to say so, so it must be true!
***************
Anyways back to studying. Tomorrow I'll finish those tests. Then, I'll head over for amazing Japanese dinner + lanterns at the botanical garden with "A-P senpai". ^^; Tanoshimi.

Keumerz @ 6:23 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Monday, October 26, 2009

This entry is gonna sound stupid... but it is something I wanted to share.
I had this terrible feeling today. Apart from the horrible "women week" pain, I had this bad feeling in my heart. How can I exactly explain this?
I got close to some amazing people recently. And I felt so happy to be with them and I still feel happy to be with them.... but at some point, I felt a bit guilty? Guilty to be so happy and forget about the rest. Guilty to almost forget about all those people that I claimed to miss so much for so long... like my Prof and others in Korea. For the first time in 10 months I gave no thoughts about her and did not contact her for a few days. And when I realized that, my heart somewhat felt like breaking, because she had been the one constant person I knew I'd never stop caring about. And well, I still do care about her, but I am scared that as time goes by, I'll forget about her more and more... and eventually she'll become one of those people I get in touch with only a few times every few months or years or so....

Someone once told me before that I was a egoistical self-centered person, that all I cared about was the satisfaction I got from those entities I meet. That I just drained everything I could get from them and then throw them away as if they're nothing. I want to deny that so much. I want to say out loud that I love deeper than anyone else and that the love I carry for the people I meet just continues for ever... but to be honest, there are many cases when it didn't quite work. There were times when distance or time just pushed me away from people. Other cases when it just didn't work for uncontrollable reasons... I thought it is something that just cannot be helped... people can't always be constant and they cannot always be together through the years and the ones who will remain by your side are the real friends you'll count on forever... I think part of this way to think is true...
But I promised myself I wanted to give it my all first. If I gave my all to a relationship and it still failed to remain, then so be it. Then there's no regret and it was just not meant to be. Not just love but also friendship under all its forms. My prof being the prime example of what I consider to be 인연 (like destined to meet), I thought if anybody, I'll always give my all for her and be constant. Actually, even if I hadn't decided to do so, I would have done so naturally... Giving to her, calling her, worrying about her felt just so natural to me. Not hearing from her was a bit painful at times, not understanding her busy lifestyle was also sometimes difficult, but I was always reassured by her other means to show me her presence.... Like, she was always there whenever I needed her to be, but didn't necessarily expect her to be? Anyways the point is. I thought I could prove everything I believed in to be right by giving my all for this one person, who was so far away. And I like that person so much I thought I'd always naturally give a thought for her....

But today I realized it wasn't true. And it terrified me. For the first time, there was a whole week when I didn't think about her at all. You'll say, one week is nothing. However, to me it just means that that one week can become many weeks that can become months, that could become so much longer? From the moment when I lose that focus, I feel like I can lose them. Like so many others. I'm terrified cuz I don't want them, especially that prof, to become just another person I met and failed to protect and keep by my side... Ah, I feel kinda foolish......... whats happening to me... what if I can't protect anybody?...

Keumerz @ 11:52 PM< [[ 2 comments ]]

People interaction is amazing and surprising at the same time. Finding people who are similar to you is a thing. Finding people who are different is another thing.
Finding someone who's different but similar to you in their difference is quite something!
Like seriously, I've met many people and I don't mean to brag, but I do meet a lot of people all the time... However finding such special people is so rare...Perhaps one in a million. I can count the number of those people on one hand, cuz they're so few. Similar background or similar experiences or perhaps just similar world views? Even if we haven't known each other for long, I feel like we have a good understanding of each other's person.

Anyways. Senpai, your family is amazing, I know you know that... but I needed to tell you.
And your parents are amazing cooks. The choucroute was perfect. And the sushi too. And the cake was amazing. And your loft is amazing. And... and... I cannot say I love your rat's tail yet, but I am sure I'll learn to appreciate it.

Keumerz @ 10:13 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Church.

Yes, as incredible as it sounds, I went to Church with my friend. I think I should make things clear first: I was never a strong believer and I had been fighting for years with my parents over going to Church.... However, I do believe in God. My definition of God is not limited to just the Christian God but a much larger entity? Like a "Grand Horloger" (a big clock maker?). I know that I cannot become super religious and go to church every week or so... but there are definite times when a bit of spirituality becomes necessary (in my life anyways). Meaning, I like to think a lot about different things, and I think that the Catholics do offer a certain number of interesting insights in their texts. Anyways the point is, Religion is fine as long as it doesn't define who you are and as long as you don't try to impose it onto others. If Christians, Muslims, and millions of others had understood that from the beginning, I am sure we could have avoided so many wars and conflicts. Religion would thus be for me a personal concept, rather than a social one. Of course, I want others to know what I think and that's why I'm writing this... but I will never try to make them see things my way in that respect.

Anyways so I went to Church and I was surprised to realize it was a Korean church! My friend hadn't mentioned it was, probably because she thought I knew. It was located near Lionel Groulx station. It was interesting to hear all those religions texts which I knew in French from my childhood but all said in Korean. I didn't quite understand everything, I didn't know the songs they were singing, and I didn't know the people or the way they prayed... so it was quite an interesting experience... Somewhat terrifying though. It revived a lot of thoughts that were slowly inside me awaiting to be unleashed. To be honest, I love Korea and I love Koreans... but in Montreal, I always feel intimidated by Korean groups. I feel like I am scared to show them who I am. Somewhat the complex of the adoptee? I feel like over the years I've always been judged on that. My name and my face which doesn't really corresponds to my background if I may say.... If they knew, they would understand why my Korean isn't so good... but they would also probably look at me with an either pitiful look or an incredulous one.I don't really like that...

I think the solution would just to accept myself fully as an Earthling that doesn't belong anywhere but belongs everywhere at the same time?... But how do I do that?

Keumerz @ 5:02 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Friday, October 23, 2009

Social Spheres.

Someone once told me that a person needed different social spheres to always feel renewed and excitement. Plus apparently, if it crashes on one side, you can flee to some other side. I used to just mix all my spheres... I thought it made my "choice" easier when I'd wanna spend the evening with someone. I could just call anyone together and I'd know they'd get along.

This year I'm doing things differently though. Well there are always some people who blend in better than others, so I can still bring them in my different social spheres, but I do try to keep a clear cut limit between each. Funny thing this year, it almost feels as if it's seperated among cultural groups... Chinese, Japanese, Korean... then the international ones.
I still feel like my personality adapts to each of these groups though. Not that I am pretending to be someone different, but I think the different facetes of my personality come out according to the person I am seeing.

Yesterday I was playing pool with my Chinese friends and not only was I loud and crazy, I was talking about drinking and staying up with them the next day. And part of me really wants to. Drinking and partying and thinking there is no tomorrow. The kind of... loud and overconfident part. No studying, only fun. I feel comfortable with this part of mine, though I've come to control it pretty well.

Yet there's a very self conscious me hidden somewhere that comes out once in a while and prevents me from letting the crazy part take over... The quiet me, always in need of someone's reassurance and voice when I'm hesitating to do something. That part comes out with some very very close people or people that I feel I can look up to... Sometimes it unwillingly comes out too... No fun, only studying and work. It's the part that keeps me on track of a life with a future. lol. A little too emotional. Too many thoughts, too many feelings. I heard it's normal to have one of those deep inside, but I need to control it more too.

And there's just a more moderate one. One that can just go along with anything, and not be bothered... Emotionally a bit restricted, but not too much. The one that combines work, studying and fun in a pretty balanced way... I think that's the one most people know me under and that's my general cover, when I don't want people to see my bipolar personality...

And I haven't even started talking about how my cultural attitude change with the people I see. I seriously have a French, a Canadian, a Korean side that are clearly cut to a point that people from the three places really feel the cultural connection... And add to that a bit of a Spanish spice and a somewhat clear understanding of the Japanese culture................ That's a crazy weird mix but it's me... :S

Keumerz @ 8:18 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What is it?
Maybe the lack of sleep? The lack of food? The lack of family time? The accumulated stress from exams, papers, homework, everything? What the heck is it?
I can't even identify the source of my anguish + anger. I am so irritated right now and I can't even tell why. I feel like I could stab someone now.

Keumerz @ 11:25 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

I was getting up when I got that text saying that my friend whom I took the time to book a week in advance had forgotten she had something to do and so couldn't meet me. I felt like a total idiot and for the first time in a long time, I got uncontrollably angry. Nearly told her to fuck off, despite the fact that we are very close. That was the I don't know how many-th time she did that and I guess I was getting sick of it. Like seriously, ditch me a couple times, but don't expect me to be fine every single time. Anyways, after this shitty morning, (which I'm sure made her feel very sorry, because she bought me sushi at night to be forgiven) I decided to go to that coffee shop, thinking that if anything, a delicious pear-chocolatine and a warmly smiling senpai could only make my mood better. And I was right. Only one hour at that coffee shop/patisserie and seriously, nothing seems to be so bad anymore. On top of that I got to have a nice talk with T-san. Yeah, it's funny how people get to meet and then interact. I still don't understand how, but me like it la. Then went to work, had a busy day, Boss seemed satisfied with my accomplishments of the day.

Then I went home (after Sushi eating with Das) and then was going to study really hard, but S unni logged on to MSN and apparently she already can't live without me so we chatted for.... 5 hours. Like literally from 10 PM to 3 AM, we were chatting. About all kinda things, religion, interpersonal relationships, family, friendship, languages... I feel there are so many things I can connect about with her.. Similar in many ways but I can still tell the few differences coming from her upgraded maturity. Makes me wanna do better. Make me wanna try harder. And live better too.

I really feel like in the span of a few weeks, I was able to connect with many very worthwhile entities that I never had imagined could be in my "range".

Keumerz @ 10:13 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dad, I love you.

It's funny how such a simple sentence is so hard to say. I never really said it in person. I don't know why the courage never occurred to me, but I think I should tell him someday soon, like when he comes back from one of your many trips...
It's sad to realize thatI couldn't remember of making this simple move by myself. To think that I needed some external factor remind me of how much I love him and how much I owe him... How my life would've been so different if it hadn't been for him and his constant support, despite my teen crises, my selfishness and my personal goals which are leading me so far away from him and the rest of the family.

My friend's father just passed away. And it might be just because I am so tired and emotional these days, but it made me cry to think of the pain she must have gone through when she lost him. And I was somewhat admiring the courage that she had and the strength she must have needed to go through this. I don't think I could've done it and the mere thought of it is painful. Maybe because I feel there are so many things I want to give him (and Mom) once I finish all that studying and when I finally settle down somewhere. Because he gave me so much and so much that I can never fully repay, I just want this chance to give him at least a little something. All those hardships he went through because of me, I'll pay them back by a thousand. Without him nothing of this life I am leading would have become what it is.... And... I don't want to imagine a world without him or Mom...

All that "I'm independent" bullshit, has just been proven wrong right now. I don't want to be independent, I just want to be my Parent's girl and hold them really tight before anything else.

Keumerz @ 12:23 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Monday, October 19, 2009

Done.

Econ313. I'll talk very shortly about it... just because I don't really wanna think about it. No it wasn't easy and no I don't think I did fabulous. But honestly, I stressed so much over it that now that it's done... I don't really care. I gave it my best shot and I tried to answer as many questions as possible. It's done and over with, what else can I do? As senpai said, it's in the past now, there's nothing good coming out from rethinking about it over and over... Now let's look to the future.

I had a coffee with S unni after the exam. There's definitely something intriguing about her. I feel somewhat very comfortable to hang out and talk about all kind of subjects... at the same time, it's like I get too curious about the different facetes of her personality and I can't open myself the way I'd do naturally. Some strange feeling... but a good one. Actually, after the dreadful exam, it felt good to just let loose and talk about all kind of things. I feel like I am back in my first year, when I was meeting all sorts of different interesting people and I was so curious about everything and everyone surrounding me. I had this long empty phase when I came back from Korea and I was holding on to the familiar, scared to really open up and meet people, getting all my complexes back... And now I feel like the phase is finally gone through and I can be myself again, meet new and interesting people and "rediscover my environment". In any case, I'm just glad things turn out this way even if it's my last year in McGill... or maybe especially because it is??

I had a very long talk by bits with my prof through MSN. It was 9:00 AM(in Korea it was 10 PM) when I left my condo and she was already online to prepare some presentation and to finish some work. I got to class and talked to her online while I was in German class for an hour, until 10:30 (11:30 PM for her). I went to take a Korean test then had class and went back online. She was still online and we talked some more by bits and bits until it was 1:00 PM for me (2 A.M for her). I went to Japanese class to take a test, and went back online at 3:50 PM (4:50 AM in Seoul) just before my ECON exam and she was STILL online, alive and kicking. And when I asked her when she was going to bed she said: "I still have some work to do, I'll go sleep soon". Then I remembered the time when she is supposed to be at the office to work.... 8:00 A.M. which means... 3 hours later. And she wasn't even done. How many hours did she sleep, like 2? not even. At this time, she's probably already at work. I definitely admire her dedication to work, but it's kinda crazy. It drives ME crazy. I should be detached, but I can't help worrying about her health..................

What else? So with S unni I had this talk about the kind of men we wanted to date (she has an established bf already), culturally speaking. I always thought, before, that I would date any kind of guy, that nationality did not matter and that culturally I could be very open minded to any kind of person.... But I think I was wrong. First of all, because I realized in the recent last year or so that I loved my family so much, I could never bring someone they couldn't get along well, or someone that would make them uncomfortable in any way... And that, unfortunately excludes any person who doesn't speak French. You'll say, a language is easy to learn and it's true. I can totally go for someone who learnt the language, as long as he can culturally understand where I come from and understand that my family is more important than anything else. Understand the French part in me, and not just see the Asian face. Because let's be honest, I'm clearly more French than Korean.... However, that leads to the second point: I'm still Korean in a way that I hadn't imagined... So it might make me sound picky.... and perhaps I'll end up disregarding this part eventually, but I really want someone who understands Korean culture. It's a bit awkward, knowing where and how I grew up... But seriously, as I spent time in Seoul, I got in touch with a Korean self that I didn't know before and I really think it has become an important part of my life and who I am going to be as a person later. Not having to explain or argue over culturally difficult to explain feelings and reactions, thinking, etc.... Someone who's interested or ideally, someone who lived what I lived...

Or I guess, it could be just someone who's really international and has a very wide international open mind... I'm not sure precisely... Maybe they don't have to understand the Korean part fully, as long as they're very open? I'm not sure, you can't really pinpoint a type of person you want, you'll always end up with something different. I think that if I had to choose an ideal situation for my future, it'd be someone who has the same background as I, or a Korean who grew up in a foreign country, or a French who lived in Korea??? hahaha. That'd be awesome actually....
Let me dream a bit.

Keumerz @ 8:43 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Midterms...

I spent hell working and studying this week... but everything will be done tomorrow. I have nothing to worry about... except maybe failing ECON313 (Economy of Development). But for some reason, I feel I understand more than I did last econ class I took (micro). Maybe because there are more theoretical stuff to remember. It's a little less abstract. Though I totally understand why Econ208 is a prerequisite for that class. It's such a bummer to have to remember and understand all those graphs and their components. Equilibrium, surplus, demand & supply, marginal utility/productivity, etc. etc. Wow, my head is filled with Econ now. I can only hope that I'll do okay.

To be honest... 2 hours ago, I was in a major panic state, I started calling all the people whom I thought could have a very positive effect on my mood, but I was able to reach only one of them. I must have caught her a bit offguard but she was so nice to me. It doesn't matter if she didn't have a lot to tell me, the few carefully chosen words she used were enough to bring me back on track. I realized that a lot of opinions I make about people might be judgemental, and perhaps idealistic or exaggerated in many cases. But the feeling I get from them is always (or almost always) right. That warmth and admiration I have for some, doesn't simply disappear after spending time with them, even though I can tell that they are "normal" people.... It somewhat amplifies and gives me a lot of strenght. Telling me that even if someone or something isn't perfect, if it can give me such a feeling, it's way enough. And I should never be expecting or hoping for more. Because that's plenty. Will I ever inspire such a feeling to other people?

Let's just hope for everything to go well tomorrow. ^^

Keumerz @ 10:21 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Such a simple game really.

Chase me, I'll run away. Run away, I'll chase.
Run away too much, I'll get the hint and stop chasing.
Stay always at one spot, I'll turn away.

If I like you enough, then you should be smart enough to let yourself be protected by me, without depending on me.

Let me languish a bit before I get to see you. Ignore my calls a few times and I'll keep trying. Ignore them all the time and I'll release you from me.

Depend on me, though and I'll give up trying. Call me all the time, I'll get tired and I'll end up walking away.

I can't understand people who say they're busy but are actually always free.

Simple game, you just gotta play it smart.

Keumerz @ 8:33 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Friday, October 16, 2009

あの女はマジむかつく。

彼女に初めて会った時、かっこいいって思ったけど・・・
会えば会うほど、印象がどんどん悪くなっていく。
今は、あたしと関係がなかったら良いって思うほどむかつくの。

私必要ある時だけ連絡して、必要なかったら無視するって感じ？
あいう人が本当に嫌いなの。大嫌い。
そしてあいう人のせいで自分が感じている苦しみも大嫌い。
It's not worth itだからね。
　
「都合がいい友達になるつもりじゃないから・・・
もう連絡しないでくれたら？」

って言いたいけど。私は卑怯なの。

Keumerz @ 1:30 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Yes. Meeting good people is difficult. And finding someone with whom it clicks is an especially difficult process... You'll meet hundreds or maybe thousands of people and in the end, only a few (that can be counted on the fingers of your hand) will really have an impact and will really stay by your side. When I was in Korea I met dozens of people and yet there were only 4 of them that really affected me in a way that I couldn't imagine. And I'm sure if the world disappeared and I was "stuck" with those four people only, I'd still be happy and fulfilled.

I might be falling for people too easily, as my prof said... But I feel like I keep meeting really good personalities with whom I have a connection... I mean, sometimes the process is a bit different, but still I find it amazing that I can make such encounters.... And if I click with someone, I just don't hesitate, and I want to become this important part of their life and be one of the people who will remain by their side even after all the hardships and everything... Am I up to the challenge?

Yesterday was also a revelation. I hope today is one as well.

Keumerz @ 8:36 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Monday, October 12, 2009

A few things.

I woke up with a fever. Am I stuck with Swine Flu or something? lol Nahhh. In any case, the regular flu causes so much more damage than the whole H1N1 virus, or whatever they call it. Seriously, the media have been spreading so much BS about that virus. People don't seem to realize that it's all a commercial hit (just like the SRAS or the other bunch of viruses they made the world panic over) to sell more pharmaceutical products....
There were cases of people who died from the swine flu. However, the media did not see the need to precise that those people had other problems that caused further complications... Stuff like pneumonia or weak hearts or whatever... I think it'd be good for people to realize that if they're healthy, they should be fearing regular influenza much more than the swine flu. Anyways, I'm done trying to convince people. Whoever said ignorance was bliss must have been a total idiot.
-------------------------

I think I'll try learning Chinese just for fun. I don't think I have enough energy and motivation to learn it the way I learn Korean or Japanese, but I'll give it a shot. Who knows, I might find a liking in it. They say the person who enjoys what they're doing can beat even the most hard-working genius. Hmm. I wonder if that's true. In any case, Chinese characters have always been a fascination, despite the fact that I was always discouraged by its number. Can you imagine having to learn 10 000 characters?... the 2000 in Japanese are already giving me a headache. 5 times more? *gasps*
I still admire Koreans for creating such a practical alphabet. They say it's the most logical in the world. Then again, it didn't quite evolve naturally, they made it scientifically so it makes sense. I wonder if Sejong Daewang really asked his scientists to make it or if he came up with it? Could anyone be that brilliant? I think that for foreigners learning Korean, hangul seems so simple at first and it kind of makes up for the horribly difficult pronunciation. However... as you learn to read it, it gets quite complex. In Chinese or Japanese, you can just remember the sound of the character (though you have a bunch to remember)... But in Korean even though you have few characters, you have to learn to decipher each syllable and know how to pronounce it in relation to the following (or preceding) syllable. I find that quite difficult in itself. It's difficult to compare Japanese, Korean and Chinese. Each have their easy and hard parts. I think if I had been born with one of the three languages, I would've dedicated myself to learning all three thoroughly and tried to draw the similarities between them. I'm sure others have done it before, but I just find it very interesting. Here goes geeky KY. Sorry.

-------------------------------------------------
The kid is back in town! She wasn't gone for long but she did call when came back, which made me quite happy. ^^ I think I met some really good people this year too.

Keumerz @ 8:54 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Well my coughing is back... with all the negatives emotions. I apologize, but complaining is becoming a sport. Damn the change of seasons and this weak body of mine. I seriously think I'm gonna need more vitamins. Or less waiting in the cold night. Once again, I didn't listen to my body and decided to go out at 8:30 last night. Some friends didn't show up, some others just came late... Well the word late applies to 15 minutes. 30 minutes late is quite late... But I was too sick and tired to throw a tantrum... So we just went in. We were supposed to play pool but there was no table available. T.T

I was thus gonna either have to go for a drink or go home. I chose to go for a drink, thinking I had come all the way there for a purpose. The first hour or so was hell, like seriously. I was the only non- Chinese-speaker in a bar where people were apparently allowed to smoke. So I had to spend an hour listening to a language that I didn't understand, smelling the horrible stench of cigarettes and beer (which I despise almost as much as cigarettes)... The thought "I should learn Chinese" kept popping up to my mind. Then I realized that even after years my Korean and my Japanese are still at an intermediate level, so Chinese will have to wait. Maybe I just won't ever learn it. Then a miracle happened. I sang one Chinese song that I knew and suddenly, the others started warming up to me and talking to me in English. I should never doubt my social skills. lol.

The point of this is that... even though I was convinced that I was gonna have a hard, annoying and frustrating time, I ended up having a pretty nice evening, meeting new people and experiencing something different. I'm not sure I want to do that every night, but that definitely means I need to give chances and open up a bit more before judging a situation.

Keumerz @ 7:18 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Tosca.

I went to watch an opera today, with my brother's friend David. It was Tosca by Puccini. It's one of my personal favorites and being the opening of the MET season (retransmitted in HD), I had great expectations. Karita Mattila (Tosca) was splendid. Not the youngest singer, but her stage presence is just amazing, you even forget about the music at some parts. Marcelo Alvarez was also amazing. Noone compares to Domingo in the role, but I gotta say Alvarez brings a new kind of flavour to the role of Cavadarossi. I didn't know the guy who did Scarpia, but he was very good too.
One thing bothered me: the stage production. Zeffirelli, the most amazing set designers of the history of opera made the most amazing stage set for Tosca... yet, they chose to hire some kind of new guy to create a set which is not comparable in any aspects to Zeffirelli's. Another thing that is starting to bother me is the whole modernizing movement thing. Don't misunderstand me, I think modernizing opera to show that it's not an elitist form of art and to encourage people like you and me to watch it is fine. It should be open to the greater public. However, modernizing it has to remain within certain borders.... In Berlin especially, they are starting to use sexuality as an incentive to watch opera and I personally find it is unappropriate. Even preposterous at times... Unnecessary.
Anyways other than those two points, I enjoyed it very much. Good singing, good orchestra, good acting. Almost a complete symbiosis.

Keumerz @ 6:58 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I met that person only once before. 2 years ago. And for some reason, the first impression I got from them was just so warm and comforting, they never really left my head. I always wanted to have the chance to get to know them. Might be because they are slightly older, they gave me a mature, strong and self- confident impression. I wouldn't know exactly how to describe the feeling I got upon my first meeting. Somewhat overwhelming? Like they're a few steps above me and if I turned out really well, I could maybe become like them. Some people just seem like they have it all and they shine in front of others. Maybe that person was always shining... Hm. They're not atomes crochus, since it was too short a time to know if I was clicking with them or not... I guess it was just a very very good first impression...
The great thing about all this is that, I will finally get to know that person... this week. I wonder how that's gonna turn out...

Keumerz @ 8:21 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Well I don't think I still have readers, but I just like to write here. It somewhat allows me to release a looot of stress. The only other way is a open hearted talk with my prof, but she's quite busy herself... and... our schedules don't match, I just have to learn to live without her (thank god it's only for another 8 months).
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I think I like my busy life schedule in general, but not when I'm sick. I've been sick for only a few days and I've been crashing down since then. Had to take time off work, had to delay exams. I'm coughing so hard that I feel like I'm a walking virus. Anyone who gets close to me might just be stuck with the same virus within a matter of minutes.... Anyways. It's somewhat nice to have time off though. Just because the boss seems to be on his sensitive nerves these days... Everything good that I do, he doesn't see and everything I do that's wrong seems to tick him off severely. Maybe my absence is good for him too.

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Speaking of people who seem to be irritated with me these days, there's another unexpected one... but I honestly can't figure out why and he won't tell me why. Well admittedly, I'm on a sensitive nerve myself and I've been sleeping 4 hours a night in the past month, so I can't quite say I'm the most pleasant person now. Fair enough. I should just not complain and not try to confront him about it. Things will get better, won't they.
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On the good side of things, I'm getting closer to certain people I had never expected to meet before this year and I'm glad things are going well socially. I already miss EY onni who left this morning to Korea though, but I know she'll be back soon... I hope...
School is going well. I just have to keep things up as they are. There come my A's and my GPA Distinction. I just need to keep the same beat up for a whole year. Korean is okay, I still am annoyed by so many things but I'm trying to make more efforts. German is a joke. Though I can feel the prof's desperate attempt to pretend she likes teaching. But I do miss Cathrin Winkelmann. What a teacher she was. Harsh, but passionate. Italian is finally starting to get better. The teacher seems to notice my efforts, she finally seems to come around and appreciate my presence, by calling on me several times in a row, which she never had. I no longer feel like a useless piece of ignored meat. Japanese is slowly coming back, though it's not quite the level it used to be yet. I was complimented by my Japanese teacher today, which was a really warming moment for me in these depressing days of being cold and sick. (However I feel she might not like me as much once she sees the exam I took today... it was much harder than I thought it was. )
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Anyways. Though I am tired and lacking sleep, as long as I'm doing okay school-wise and socially, I think I'm fine. Now all I need, is a beat to have some time home and rest.

Keumerz @ 4:09 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

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