I Believe

My insomnia is back. WHY?!?!
I think the flu is part of the reason why...
But the rest?...
I'm not depressed anymore... I'm not sad even.
And I don't miss her, nor any of them like I did last week... I've thought things out...
I think I'm somewhat anxious at the thought of going back to Montreal....
Why tho...

Keumerz @ 8:03 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Why do people like classical music and opera? That's what a lot of people ask, maybe because they know nothing about Music with a capital M. The flow of sounds, the harmony, the emotions... Regular pop music cannot come close to that not by a freggin mile... Not that it's not enjoyable... I enjoy pop and rock too, but it doesn't give me what I feel when I listen to opera and classical music in general. It took me years to realize it.
Puccini makes me vibe the most. When I hear the music of Liu's death in Turandot, tears flow... Madama Butterfly, I just cry the whole thing. lol.

Anyways, to whoever has an old-fashioned and weird idea about opera, watch this video.
Anna Netrebko, the new face of Opera. She's young, beautiful and powerful. In this video, she sings outside in front of 10000 people in Berlin and in the middle of the song she gets away from her mic and her voice still projects!!! Amazing... She's just amazing... The orchestra is conducted by the great Marco Armiliato, whom I absolutely love... Oh and if you could see the whole DVD, you'd see the legend Placido Domingo, still singing at the age of 67 years old and more powerful than any of those cereal box singers that need 10 mics to be heard in a 10 meter2 room.

Keumerz @ 10:50 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Home sweet home.
Opera watching, classical music listening, sleep. Lots of sleep. Good food, good company. I think I haven't been around my family for so long, it's actually nice to be back around here.
Many things go through my mind but my thoughts got much more positive than when I was in Montreal.
I think I needed time away from all this, all those people and all those thoughts. Oh and after months of bad sleep, it's amazing that I am able to sleep so well here. I guess something is comforting me eh.

Sara should be leaving to Japan soon. It's pretty amazing. I guess she was able to find there what I am still unable to find. To be honest, I admire the people who find the strength to leave and achieve their dream. And I admire them even more if they choose to go to a place like Japan....

Cuz... after thinking it a lot, I don't think I could. And I've thought about it a lot. I don't think I could live there with the people and their values. It just doesn't match mine in any way. I love Japanese culture and I'll love touring there and seeing my friends. I think I like Japanese as individuals. I like Japanese as a culture, a history. A country closely related to Korea and the shaping of Korea nowdays...
But yeah human value wise, Japan and I just don't match. and I've talked to this Quebecois man who's been in Japan for 42 years now because of his work... and he confirmed to me everything I thought in terms of human relations. I just don't see myself living myself in that society. Not for long anyways... Well the same goes for Korea or any other place, but among all the places where I've thought of living someday, I realized I should cross out Japan. Well max. 3, 4 years.

And I realized that I just can't understand those who develop a random passion for Japan (or any country) without really knowing what it's like there or without having any link to it. You know, I've been to places and I've been crazy about some different cultures (like Spain in 2006) but I've never bet my whole life on something that I didn't know about at least partially. I met several people who just love some country so much (in many cases it was Japan) and even though they know close to nothing about it, but they studied about it in books, watched movies and met a few people who were nice to them, they just assumed it was dreamland, better than home and they bet their whole life on it??? Well I just don't get it. Or maybe they're the ones who just don't get it... I mean, I can get quite crazy about Korea sometimes, but I certainly wasn't that desperate BEFORE I went there... (And now I came back and I guess I miss it so much I did fall in love with it... but still I'm saner than those people). Plus I tried my best to get rid of all those prejudice and preconceived ideas before I left or else it would've been too much of a shock going there. When you expect so much while knowing nothing, it can only lead to a bitter disappointment. I'm not pointing at someone in specific, I just know too many people who are like this. Thinking that Japan (in this case) is like dreamland and that their Otaku dream/ "perfect society that's always happy" dream. Then they stay there for a few years and realize that Japan is a society like every others with certainly a lot of good things, but a lot of negative things as well. Then they look back at it and they realize that home, or other places are not so bad... It's the same everywhere, you'll find good and bad at the same time.... Stop dreaming. Utopia doesn't exist. Or if you're completely ignorant and idiotic I guess you can live in bliss. Oh yeah, I'm sure stupid people are happy.

Maybe that's a reason I decided not to go back to Korea? I mean I'll always be attached to the place. I'll go back to see my friends and maybe I'll live a few years there and who knows get married with a Korean... But I hardly see myself staying there forever and raising my children there. Because I know despite my love of the place and the good things I see, there are also a lot of factors to take into account. A much bigger picture.
I think if I learnt something over the few last months, it's the whole "There is a Bigger Picture thing". I tried to convince myself too much that I belonged to Korea (and part of me does), but I realize now that I don't have to give up everything else to be Korean.

What else got me thinking?
"Vivre avec des remords plutot que des regrets." Living with the regret of doing something I shouldn't have rather than living with the regrets of not doing something and wondering if I should've. I've always been told I'm passionate. A little too much. I get into things, into people. I give 100% of myself when I get into something like a language or a sport or even a friend. I thought I should become moderate, like the others. But I've finally realized that being like the others sucks. Being careful also sucks. Being a coward most definitely sucks. And not giving it my best shot just because I think it's gonna hurt later, is being a copycat careful coward, which definitely sucks. People can be cowards if they want. They can get scared of being hurt if they want. And they can live their life wondering "what if I had made more efforts?" if they want. I just think that attitude sucks and I don't wanna do that. 100%, baby. 100%.

Keumerz @ 12:05 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

So I came home quite tired, a bit frustrated, somewhat saddened by various things...
I was wondering what I'm gonna write about tonight.
I can complain for hours about things that people do that frustrate me... I guess it's true when they say that what you dislike in others is actually what you dislike about yourself. Everything that makes me angry these days is just related to the way I am and the way I act.

I can also write lines and lines about the shortness of the moment, the importance of Carpe Diem. Say how much I should've cherished all my moments with those people more than I did. How I should have been more conscious. How I should've given them more. How I should learn to dose my love... So many unsufficient things within myself.

But no... All the thoughts I had on the way home vanished when I read that email by Sister Christina. She's a Korean nun who's in France now. We were very close back in Korea, we still are very close... She's like a big sister to me, a guardian angel. If kindness and love was to be represented in one person, I'd point her.

Insight 1:
"Life's like that, full of exams. There are times when you're sad, angry, when you feel like dying. But during those times, it's the way you pass through these challenges that changes everything. That's why you should understand what you face and live your life happily everyday. "

Insight 2:
"Love is also a matter of efforts. The efforts to trust and believe. The efforts to admit and understand when you're right and wrong. The efforts to embrace rather than judge. "

Thanks for the insights. Maybe I'll be able to lift up.

Keumerz @ 11:13 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Monday, July 20, 2009

After 4 days of dreadful sleep. (like 5 hours in 3 days and then 3 hours on the 4th night)...
I finally crashed. And slept like 12 hours. Ridiculous. But it felt so good. Well it certainly raises the average of my loast 5 days. 4 hours a day sounds better than one and a half.

Everything seemed so beautiful when I was sleeping. I wasn't here, I was where I wanted to be and everything seemed so real. The only thing that made me sad was that I couldn't feel anything physically. No touch, no warmth. But for some reason my heart was contended with just being there.
If I close my eyes now, I can see myself slowly walking the Kyunghee University main path, walking up that dreadful hill, I can see them whom I've wanted to see. I can hear their laughter. Sad thing is they can't actually see me, I'd be just a shadow. Or even if they could, then it's only my imagination... The words "I miss you" seems to have lost all meaning cuz I say it so often... but that's how I feel...

Yet slowly...I'm starting to put some sense into myself. I'm starting to see some good stuff...
I'm starting to realize that mourning the way I'm doing it is not leading to anything good. It's not gonna take me to Korea, it's not gonna make things better, it's only gonna make them worry about me. I have to get out of it. Now.

Keumerz @ 11:28 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Okay, this is getting ridiculous...
I got like max 4 hours of sleep last night. 2 the night before and none the night before that. I am soooo exhausted. I'm about to faint.. Like seriously, my body is not answering....
But why the heck can't I fall asleep????????? I feel like a zombie...
I am tired but not sleepy. How ridiculous is that. Sleep. I wanna sleep.

Keumerz @ 10:36 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Friday, July 17, 2009

I can't remember the last time I felt so depressed. Hah. That's a lie. I remember exactly the time when I felt this depressed. One month after coming back from Seoul, I went through the same phase. I got insecure about everything. People and human relationships most of all. I feel like it's coming back... Trigger? I could blame it on my prof's package and the letter she sent, but I think it was all inside of me somewhere and I was very careful not to touch it. For the last 6 months I made myself so busy that I didn't think about these things. I was making myself busy enough with new meetings, new dating, new lifestyle, new everything... thinking that with time, all those feelings within me would vanish like a miracle. Or maybe like a dream? But it's not a dream. I can fight it but they won't go away. I can act like nothing in the world scares me, but I'm terrified inside. And the funniest thing about all this is if you ask me to explain what's going on within my head, I'm unable to tell you exactly what it is. I know, well I sorta know. But I can't find a solution to it. When I try to explain, tears flow. When I try to sleep, it pounds my head so hard I can't fall asleep. Empty. I'm feeling empty. I've felt such happiness and I'm so thankful for that, but why is it that after such a climax of joy, I am finding myself like this? Why do I have to be surrounded by those worries and insecurities?

"To have something to miss, isn't that in itself something to be thankful for?" She said. I can understand the words. I can understand the meaning. Why doesn't it just sink in then? She's always right. Maybe that's why when I talk to her I feel so confused. She's always right and I can only acknowledge that... but as submissive as I am when she talks sense into me, I am frustrated not to be able to understand fully... by myself. I don't wanna become a burden to her or anyone. I just have to figure things out. In the end, no matter who surrounds you, life is something you do on your own. Maybe I forgot that during those 7 months. I felt so surrounded and supported, that I forgot to stand on my own two feet. Now that I have to do so, I can't stand. Quite silly, really. Everything that goes through someone's mind when they're on their own. Quite scary too. Emptiness and more emptiness. The rain keeps falling in and out. I just... don't know what to do. When you feel alone despite the fact that you're so surrounded, what is left to do? How do you not feel alone? At this point, can God even help me? How do I deal with this?

Keumerz @ 10:13 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I think I found it. All my life I was looking for this special feeling... Maybe it was just because I was lonely or maybe I was missing something because of my adoption... But I was looking for someone to look over me, not as a lover would have but as a protector would. Someone who would support me and understand me... guide me and carry me without making it too hard on them, without making me a burden. Someone who would think about me and miss me, the way I think about them and miss them.

Maybe I'm wrong. Yet it feels so right this time. I've known that person for such a short time... I mean if I compare to some of my friends, who I've known for years.... We met when I was in Korea and honestly we haven't seen each other in 6 months... Yet the thing she expressed in that last letter she sent me, just represents so much to me. It's like she understood me so much. What I need, what I'm seeking.... I was so touched, I shed warm tears. Why is it that she understands my feelings so well despite the short time we've known each other? How can she see right through me so easily? I guess I am quite obvious, but there are some feelings which can't be expressed which she explained so accurately in that letter. I'm almost scared.

-----------------------------
Things are going well with with oppa. He's so sweet. We try to take things slowly and it's working but I think we both like each other a lil more than we should be allowed to despite the short amount of time we've known each other... I guess we can catch up on time matters from now. ^^ I am a little too comfortable. Is it a good sign?

Keumerz @ 1:22 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I'm going home in 2 weeks. I need some time off all of this. No more stress. No more anything.
I just want to sleep as much as I can. Read by the pool. Whatever, anything will do. ^^;

Today was really good... I went to an amusement park with Minsoo oppa. "La Ronde". I heard about it so much from people... I guess I was disappointed by the "Monster", the biggest ride... The only scary thing about it is that you think it's gonna crash cuz it's so old. The "Boomerang" on the other hand was AMAZING. Basically you rush down very steep hill, turn around in loops twice and then go back up another hill..... And then the same thing but from behind. It was terrifying, it was amazing. Going from the back is much scarier than the front... Even beats
"Atlantis" at Lotte World. Though I thought nothing could beat it...

I also re-rode a version of the Viking, the first ride I ever rode. It's like a humongous boat that just swings really high... It was so scary the first time I did it... but this time I was more stressed than scared so I guess it was also a bit disappointing..
Over all it was a very nice day. Took loads of pics... Headed out for dinner with Oppa and then joined Sumi and the others for Sumi's good bye dinner at 5000 Years, a Korean restaurant on St-Denis.

Keumerz @ 9:42 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Friday, July 10, 2009

So... I've come back from Korea. Maybe quite changed. Maybe not so much...
But I've for sure grown much more attached to my birth country than I used to. I think I somewhat used to fear it. Maybe because I felt some sense of rejection or maybe because I had this image of the Korean exclusivity.... and I felt I could never quite fit in? I didn't use to fit in so well actually. And then I came back and suddenly things seemed clearer? It was maybe just a matter of language... but I think the biggest element was the whole grasp of what is Korean, what should you understand about them, how do you get closer to them. I think understanding those two feelings "Jeong" and "Han" also played a key role to understanding the society and how to fit myself in it. Though I'm still unsure I could fit there as a worker, I'm sure I can fit pretty well as a human at least. Despite the differences of the background education I've received, we have a lot of things in common... Even if it only includes the way we feel things... (Well, that's already quite something.)

Some Koreans who arrive in Canada say that they have a hard time adapting to the place, not because of the language, not because of the weather, but because the people are so different. Well, you'll say it's the same everywhere and perhaps it is... But I think there are a lot of things that they might feel insecure about and that would include the fact that people might not understand the way they feel or view a certain aspect of things... I mean, we all have those moments when we feel we can't understand others or they can't understand you... But I've felt that a lot of Koreans just felt this way about the people around and it might have been a factor why they were so "exclusive". It's a fact that you feel close to someone who comes from where you come from and who experienced these things that the others might not have.....

I don't have the pretention of saying I can understand everything that's Korean. There's also a French kid within me. A French kid who questions everything she sees that's not French. But I think I've felt things I had never felt before in Korea maybe in the same way a person who emigrated a long time ago would, upon going back home for the first time.
I don't really know where I'm going writing this... But the whole "jeong" thing... I think I've grasped the meaning of it only when I left Korea. The way teachers, friends and other people you meet treat you is just so different from the way they'd do here... A lot of people see Asians as being colder than Europeans... but as a matter of fact, Koreans are much warmer than a lot of Occidental people I've known... It's just that they don't just give it away... but once you've earned their warmth, it's something you can count on forever. It's a bond stronger than can be imagined... Seriously. And it's a bond that is not questioned. It's like a true family bond... Family, sometimes hate each other to death yet the conclusion we just assume is"oh well it can't be helped it's my family". Stick by each other even through the hard moments...

I might have not seen all of it... But I just found amazing how despite the short amount of time I've known them, the people there took care of me more than they should have even if they had known me for years... Maybe I'm gonna wake up and realize it was all a dream... Or maybe that's just the way their reality is shaped... Maybe it's something that can only be felt through the bond I share with them, the fact I was born there makes me more accessible than most foreigners?

To be honest, what is it that I feel when I'm with Koreans.... I don't know what it is... I can't fully explain it... But I miss the feeling I had in Korea... To be surrounded by it.
I don't mean to reject everything else and I want to be careful not to lose everything I've gained from other cultures as well... but I just... wanna hold on to that feeling who just keeps me floating above an ocean of painful memories and guilt. Because even if I fall, I know they'll catch me just before I hit the ground....

Keumerz @ 7:59 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Oh my god. I am SO happy right now.
I was feeling terrible for so long because I had lost that person's email address...
That older lady who had been there for me in Korea. Sachie-san. She must have been my mother's age but she was learning Korean patiently and passionately. She had a husband waiting for her in Japan but since her children have grown, she was putting really hard efforts into achieving her dream of learning Korean and learning Korean culture in Korea.
I met her randomly at a KBS program where foreigners were invited to discuss their experience on Hangul Day. Afterwards, we met several times outside of class. We took long walks and discussed many things... She's always full of great insights and she always treats me like an adult despite our obvious difference in age. I have a lot of respect for her and the way she lives. I seriously think I would've kept regretting the fact that I couldn't get in touch with her. After so long.... I owe her so much. She was so supportive and understanding, yet I couldn't even email her once to thank her....

Anyways, the point is. My friend met her yesterday (she was with someone he knew) and he said it's easy for him to figure out her email address and phone number... I'm SOOO HAPPY!!! As soon as he sends it to me, I'll email her. I just can't wait... ^^:

Keumerz @ 9:33 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Hmm. I'm in a ridiculously good mood today. Well ups and downs but the ups were worth all the downs... seriously. We'll go with two. Cuz I'm way too tired and excited at the same time to type properly right now.
..........
Well for one, I got a call from my prof. She's sending me a birthday present and she told me that she might seriously be coming in September to Canada to visit me. Am I crazy to believe this... Okay. Maybe she won't be able to come... Let's just hope she does. Man, imagine how awesome that'd be? :P
..............
Two. My guitar lesson is going alright. Actually I started this personal project. There's this song that this very special person sent me a while ago and I'm asking my tutor to help me retranscribe the chords to a guitar score sheet... My goal is to be able to play it for that special person the next time I see them. I'll try hard.
............

I don't know if I'll be able to close my eyes tonight. Too many things to think about. ^^;

Keumerz @ 1:25 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Monday, July 6, 2009

♪ And I won't hesitate no more, no more.
It cannot wait, I'm sure...
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short, this is our fate.
I'm yours ♬
(I'm yours by Jason Mr.A-Z)

It's funny. Both Dasol and Minsoo oppa have this song on their cyworld.
Maybe I'm sharing some special destiny with this song? Hehe.
------------------------------
Guitar class at 7:30 PM.
Meeting Charles at 9:00 PM.
-----------------------
Tomorrow lunch with Dasol. And I wonder what's happening with Sarang onni and Ellie onni?
Wednesday should be chill. No plans. Let's keep it as such.
Thursday work. -___-
Friday... LaRonde! ^^ + Sumi's good bye party... Gotta prepare that thing.
-----------

I'm so sleepy. But somewhat... happy? ^^

Keumerz @ 6:44 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

It might just be my own arrogance that I would have enough effect on people, thinking that I could hurt them through my actions and all. What went through my mind? That kid is stronger than I think. My links with her will also be stronger than last time I had this feeling. So why worry? I'll do my thing and we'll see how it works out. Right now the only thing I should be worrying about is seeing a smile on that face again. Not that she wouldn't randomly laugh at me eh. :P
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My boss asked me to work on saturday and thus ruined my plans. At first he gave me the day off and suddenly he changed his mind? I told him I had plans but then he said it would be very complicated if I didn't show up.
So yeah, so much for going to LaRonde and spend a nice moment with Minsoo oppa eh. Stupid boss. Anyways he seems to be quite in a bad mood these days, and he keeps talking about women and how it doesn't work out so I'm assuming he's deprived. Meh. I don't care.
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The Jazz Fest was nice yesterday. I went for the first time this year and I still have a few opportunities to go...
What's next eh...

Keumerz @ 7:35 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Sunday, July 5, 2009

What if it was all over the same chain of events but with a different person?
What if all I meant to do is to put that person through the same kind of pain all over again...
I'm impatient and I expect too much from people. My good intentions usually turn to vinegar and I end up confused and hurt and blinded and as a result the people around me suffer...
Omg. What am I getting into this time?

Keumerz @ 12:27 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I thought the weather looked nice, despite the few clouds. So I didn't take my umbrella. Went to see Laura and we walked to Mt-Royal. Got caught up by the rain on the way back. Kept walking anyway since it was only one more metro station until the place where I had to go.
Thought it was hilarious. All wet. Soaked, I should say.
That was a great idea, Keumyeo ya. Yeah. Good job. Now you're freakin stuck in bed with a fever and a cold. Wow. I'm such a freakin' genius.
Well at least, I got to see Laura....

Keumerz @ 2:15 PM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Friday, July 3, 2009

My prof was right, as usual. "사람에게 너무 잘 빠져, 너.." (You get too easily into people).
I wanna deny that... but it's true, I always did and it appears that I always will. Even if I try not to... Even if I wished I was able to turn all cold to everyone I meet. And especially to those who make me feel this way. And I'm not even talking about just love relationships, I'm talking about human relationships in general. The ones that make you feel so happy that you wonder if the feeling is even real.

Omg. I don't want to get attached like this. Too quick, too much. When it's gonna crash, I'll be hitting my head on the wall all over again thinking "why can't I control this?". If that kid wants to hurt me later, after just a couple of weeks, she'll be able to step all over me and leave me a totally empty shell of bitter loneliness. I wished I was even exaggerating... but it's true. It'd be so easy to crush me now. Weakness of mine. I hate this.
It's terrifying.

Yet I like the feeling I get when I'm with that kid so much. It doesn't really matter if it hurts later.
Scientifically speaking, the normal reaction of a human being is to avoid everything that causes pain. For some reason, it appears that I get dragged to it. I guess I'm a masochist. Or maybe I'm just an idiot. Take your pick.

-----------------
I watched a ridiculous movie yesterday. "I am Legend". It was almost as bad as "28 days later". Same concept. Zombies emerging from some random disease, people looking for the cure, people killing zombies and getting killed by zombies. Whatever. Undeveloped plot. Undeveloped background. The end is pathetic. The whole thing is pathetic. Will Smith is acting ridiculously bad in that movie too. Over all, out of 10 pts, I'll give it -3.
-----------------

What else. I am now officially poor. No more credit card. I have to start making my life a bit better. Live independently and be smarter about the way I spend. I'm just being ridiculous. Things have to change.
And I am now officially fat. So, I'll avoid eating for a while. Or I'll avoid eating crap food for a while, at least. No more fast food, candies, junkfood... Fruits and Veggies. I should be vegetarian. With just a little bit of chicken/beef once in a while.
Why am I talking about this? I have to empty my head.

Keumerz @ 11:23 AM< [[ 0 comments ]]

Thursday, July 2, 2009

"금여야"라고 불러 주셨다.... "너"말구. "금여"말구.
그 전엔 한번도 "금여야"라고 안 해주셔서.... 오늘 깜놀이었지.
뭐... 기분이 좋은 걸...

Other than that. Yesterday was just perfect....Movie, restaurant, fireworks (heard but failed to see but the walk that came with it was nice), chocolate fondue... he even walked me home... without asking for anything! cute... Next time in LaRonde?

I'm in such a good mood... ^^

Keumerz @ 8:16 AM< [[ 2 comments ]]

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