Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Hmm.
I'm lacking sleep, I'm working too much, I'm not studying enough and my guitar practice is a mess... And, my social life is seriously reduced by half of what it used to be... But for some reason, I feel very satisfied with things these days. I met some pretty cool people at that JSA party last week. I thought you can't really meet good relations on your last year of univ, but I was wrong... Oh, I also got to renew some older bonds with friends. My relations with people like Moni and Charles only seem to get better. I'm getting decent grades (though I have no idea how econ is gonna go...) and I'm gonna get a hopefully massive paycheck by the beginning of October. Oh yeah, I'm also going to a Van Morrison concert on thursday with Moni. And awesome thing, the hockey season is starting and the opera season at the met (retransmitted in theaters) is also starting!!! ^^ I really can't wait. All these things that help me relieve stress off my shoulder can only be good.
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My parents came by yesterday around 11 pm. They came back from a trip to China where they met up with an old friend of theirs. They said they were in Guangzhou? or something like that. They love travelling to Asia, I think there's but a few place where they haven't been yet. They brought me back that really cool bracelet... It was quite a short stay since they left this morning at like... 7 a.m. I thought I'm sleep deprived but they're quite something. And they gotta drive for 5 hours to my hometown and then my dad's gotta go to work... When does he ever sleep? Maybe they're the one who transmitted this disease of working too much and sleeping not enough. Though we obviously have no genes in common.... nurture vs nature?
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I spoke for like literally 20 seconds to my prof (the one in Korea) yesterday. She was in class... :s She seems to have finally figured out the time difference cuz she doesn't call me back in the middle of the night anymore and she realized if she were to call back I'd be sleeping... It was a really weird talk... There are just days like this one where I feel a bit confused about what I gotta do and how I gotta do it... And it feels like if she'd just lecture me again, I'd be able to straighten things up and do things properly. Anyways. I can't depend on her like this, I really gotta learn to kick my own ass and work harder. Aja aja Keumyeo!
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I'm becoming more and more detached, or I'm just feeling like I am? I feel like having fun without being constantly under constraints. I really feel like dating a guy who won't be too serious about me but who's gonna somehow make me fall over my head for him. It doesn't mean we have to get serious, but a fun relationship without all those rules might be what I need right now. I think I need to date a good-looking bad ass, and whose characteristics do not go within the standards of what I defined might be what I need to be with for the rest of my life... Like, I should go for someone who smokes, who drinks, who cares enough about his studies to let me do mine, but who enjoys life and who's easy going.... Gotta be attractive though... Nothing I can get serious with, though. Wow, if someone had told me that I'd say this a few years ago, I would've never believed them. I used to be so passionate and serious. But hey, we are young, what's the point of rushing things? Being too serious leads to a loooot of trouble. Yeah, I think that means I'm starting to acknowledge this weird image that my friends made of me.
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What else? Oh speaking of men. It's been a week and a half since single life started again, and someone came to me yesterday and they're like "oh, aren't you this guy's gf?". I was like "no". And he's like "I could've sworn u were". Then I go "yeah, I was..." It was SOOO awkward. The guy felt bad too. Haha, he had a ping pong paddle. He said he was going to the ping pong club and was kinda offended that I said I wanted to play but not join the club. "You don't like it? I'm an exec". The problem with that club, is that there are too many players and not necessarily enough good players. I wanna play with people my caliber but not have to wait every turn to find one. Meh. Anyways. I might meet Feng soon. I should definitely team up with him and go swipe all the others.
Keumerz @ 7:09 AM<
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Monday, September 28, 2009
That kid is just so annoying. Like seriously. I'm wasting so much time now venting about her when I shouldn't even think about her. I tell her I can't go to her party she gets mad, I end up showing up she gets mad for "lying" to her. I go to another event, she gets mad for having time to go that event and not meet her. WTF. Are you my husband or what? We're not even that close, don't give me that kinda shit. I have no time to waste on getting lectured about how I should be a better friend to you. The rest of the world doesn't complain, just sit down and shut up.
I held back as long as I could not to hurt her feeling but I ended up just saying it. "I don't have to put up with this kind of shit. You're being childish and lame. I can't stand this anymore."
And I was being nice, still. I could've told her all kind of things and maybe she would've started crying or something, but my pity for her took over my annoyance. Anyways, she's just so unbearable. Always complaining. Never a freggin moment of satisfaction. She's more tiring than 10 boyfriends all seeking for my attention. I mean I like people and obviously some more than others, but I can't remember the time when I was being THAT obnoxious to anybody. And if I did, please tell me so, I'll apologize right away. The funny thing in all this is I told Charles what's gonna happen and he didn't believe me. He said that I was exaggerating when I was describing her. Then he saw how it turned out and he was laughing his ass off saying "omg, u were right, she's psychotic".
I should thank Alex for her good advice, it felt really good to let it all out.
Keumerz @ 9:42 AM<
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Saturday, September 19, 2009
Sometimes I wonder how I managed to keep all those people around me.
Honestly, what do they see in me and why do they think I'm so worth hanging out with?
I treat some well and I mistreat most. So what's the point really?
I'm selfish, dramatic and always busy. I don't see what's so attractive in that.
I think either love is really blind, either people are just blind in general, period.
Am I gonna wake up one day and really be happy with everything that I am and all that I am not? There are definitely days that I like myself more than others.
But honestly, today I really can't even stand looking at myself in a mirror.
This is just so wrong.
Keumerz @ 9:31 PM<
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Friday, September 18, 2009
Last week he called and today, I stumbled on one of his old emails... and everytime I remembered.
We could never be together again... Even if we wanted to, it wouldn't be possible... I guess I miss him sometimes. But mostl, what I miss, is the feeling I had when I was with him. Like somehow, I never wanted it to end. I just wanted to be with him all the time, even if it was too much. The feeling that made me go forward while making me stall for hours thinking about him. I miss that warmth I felt within myself, that love I was gonna give him and he was giving me. I miss that excitement when he'd call, this need to hear his voice before I go to sleep. I miss the feeling I had when he'd hold me in his arms or kiss me. I miss missing him when he's not around. I miss the intensity of our fights, the intensity of making up. To feel insecure about him meeting other girls and to feel somewhat sheltered at any moment.
Will I ever be able to feel that again? I'm starting to doubt.
Along with all those wonderful feelings, I remembered all the bad ones as well. The guilt of hurting him. That guilt which followed me through since then and seems to not want to disappear. That anger I felt towards myself after I realized what I had let go, what I had lost, how misunderstanding I had been.
But even with all thses. I still miss it over all... I miss him.
Maybe that was the reason my prof wanted me to find out within myself.
Keumerz @ 8:46 AM<
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Thursday, September 17, 2009
5 courses. 20 hours of work + time of public transportation riding between home, work and school. Homework and studying time. Guitar lesson and practice time. Tennis playing time.
24 hours in a day just isn't enough if I wanna get a full night of sleep. 7 days a week isn't enough to say I have a day off.
I reduced sleeping and I stopped my social life. Like literally. I think I also have to make a clean up in my social/emotional life. It's starting to get clearer as I go...
Thank God for friday nights. Tomorrow I'll get to see Aki, one last time before she leaves to Japan. What an emptiness she will leave behind.
And sunday I'm going shopping. Stress release.
I told my prof about my whole emotional life cleansing... I didn't think she'd get it... and she probably didn't but she lectured me and was right about a lot of things as usual.
I know I'm bad. I just need her to believe in me and the fact I can be better than that... and I promise I'll try to change.
Keumerz @ 7:40 PM<
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